Saudi Arabia: Unwilling to Let Go

It has now been 13 months since my Saudi husband passed away.  To me the 13 months may as well be 13 hours or 13 years…I continue to miss Abdullah.  He was the love of my life.  When the 8th day of each month approaches I feel my body becoming more tense and I flash back to 08 February 2010 when Abdullah took his last breath because the cancer was unwilling to let go.  The cancer was like a pac man which invaded his body gobbling up healthy blood cell after blood cell until there were no more cells left to eat.

How strongly can I express with words how fervently I hate cancer?  I look back and read earlier posts I had written when Abdullah was still alive and remember how valiantly he always fought his battle.  Now, knowing firsthand the pains he suffered, I can truly appreciate all of his great strength and courage.  He masked his pains and fears so well.

Cancer is an enemy of my life, too.  I’m not as good as Abdullah was to mask my pains because my body gives me away.  I’ve learned to live with the pain of cancer; I’ve not learned how to live yet with the (selfish) pain of his loss. On the exterior I can smile, laugh and appear carefree.  Yet inside I continue to have a one way running commentary with Abdullah, imagining how he would respond to so many different issues.

I have Abdullah to thank for so many different things in my life.  He taught me additional ways to see and hear and speak so that I saw more, heard more and chose my words carefully.  He taught me much in finding additional reserves and strength and especially to fight the shaytan of cancer.

Some who have never known Abdullah or have not known a love where the sum is greater than the whole will never understand why I have not let go and moved on in life.  I am content and satisfied with my private commentaries and precious memories.


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