All too often one has an internal perception that Saudi women always remain veiled and in the background; that they do not speak out. They do not travel. Their life is to be subservient to their husband and family. The reality and truth could not be further from this. One independent, well-educated and well-traveled Saudi woman spoke with me and is happy to have her views and experiences shared with others. And through her words I certainly learned we are really not that different at all with so many of the same thoughts, fears, desires and quests in life.
From USA to KSA: A Saudi Woman’s Journey
How long have you been outside of the Kingdom?
2 ½ years.
Can you provide a generic description about yourself, such as your marital status and circumstances while in the USA? Did you live alone? Have a mahrem?
While in my 8th month of pregnancy, hubby and I arrived at the States to pursue our Master’s degree through a scholarship program offered by the Ministry of Higher Education in Saudi Arabia. Hubby is Saudi too, three years older than myself; we had met through forums of “common interest”, but arranged our marriage so it follows traditional procedure and does not cause either of our “conservative” families any sensitivities. He proposed through my dad. My dad was very hesitant because my husband-to-be is labeled as liberal and belongs to another region in Saudi, which made him harder to track and investigate through common acquaintances.
So, 8 months pregnant, 8 months married, our trip to the United States was not just about studying in another country. It was about achieving our individualism as a couple who lived all their lives in their family’s house, under the head of the family’s rules, plans and vision of the world. It was also about opening up to the other, his religions, values, traditions, politics, and life style; empathizing with the other; understanding through first hand experience if that other is any different from us. We had seen enough change in faiths, ideologies, politics, that we wanted to find something more permanent than all of this.
Whilst in the States, we experimented with various cuisines and drinks. We mingled with people of as many various backgrounds as possible. We celebrated other religious as well as cultural holidays. And for a while, we kept many windows that connected us with local Saudi gossip shut. We wanted to fully immerse ourselves in the new experience. When someone is learning a new language, there is a point where they have to stop using a dictionary and find meaning within context. We tried to do that — find meaning to the West through its own context, rather than through a long process of translation.
Right now, our little family is getting ready to head back to Saudi. Hubby and I with an MA degree. Little 2 year old with a certificate in counting up to 20, reading the English alphabet, dog hugging and obsession for Dora and her primo Diego J
As you look back over the years you spent in the USA, what kind of changes and transitions did you go through? Please share your earlier memories as well as other special moments that stand out during your times in the USA.
My greatest struggle in the States was financial.
1) Not enough saving:
Both hubby and I were employed before our scholarship. We had good income. We had some savings. We had a lot of money invested in Saudi stock market. However, as we arrived in the States the stock market fell tragically.
2) Low stipend:
Moreover, the governmental stipend (which had not changed for over 15 years) was not compatible with the rise of prices worldwide. It took a year for Saudi government to reconsider the stipend, and increase it by 15%. Still, it wasn’t enough for students who do not have other sources of help, and especially for students with children. The stipend does not cover child care.
3) Strict Homeland Security regulations on work with F1 visa:
If both parents are on a scholarship, they are required by homeland security to be enrolled fulltime in their program of study. That, besides strict regulations concerning work with F1 visa, results in two things: that students do need babysitting for their children, and that students can hardly afford to work to cover up shortage in their income.
4) Readjusting spending habits:
Our greatest mistake was going for new furniture when we first arrived at the States, as well as shopping from grocery shops such as Safeway. It took us a while to learn the spending habits that are compatible with our budget, such as buying grocery from Costco, Wal-Mart, WinCo, and buying secondhand furniture through advertisements (eg, Craig’s List). We also learned that with our budget, we were eligible for parent support from our State University, which paid a fair percentage of our childcare expenses.
5) Vegetables are more expensive than Fast-food!
My greatest shock in the States, was that it costs more to eat healthy than to eat fast food. Lately, however, my mother in law tells me vegetable prices in Saudi are rising too.
6) If it’s too good to be true, it’s too good to be true.
It took us a while to become smart consumers and understand how the marketing business works in the United States. Ex, there’s nothing for free. If an offer sounds too good to be true, there must be a disclaimer at the bottom explaining the real deal. Also, product providers are clearly aware of the distinction between “crappy service” and “breaking the law”. If a product provider does not care to keep a person coming, but want to make a one time deal out of them, they can cut the cost by offering you crappy service in a way that does not allow you to sue them.
Naturally everyone will want to know what you liked best and least about life in the USA and why!
I liked how spontaneous I can be. I can open the door of my little apartment whenever I wanted and hop on whichever bus I wished. I could enjoy laughing, giggling and acting silly with my child at the mall. I could wear what I like without thinking if it is appropriate or not. I can look pretty on the streets without delivering the message that I am “slutty”!
I loved how moody the whether is, changing by the day. That there are four seasons in a year. Trees change colors around the year and so do people. When it is cold, people layer up. When it is hot, people strip down.
I liked how the news would be fired up in Saudi, or that a bad argument would strike between me and my family back home, but the minute I cut my internet connection or close my cell phone it would all disappear. My ability to shutdown the outside world, and break free from emotional pressure, allowed me several times to view seemingly explosive incidents within its right size.
How can I explain this further Carol? When a Saudi girl gets married, and starts doing things that contradict with her family’s upbringing there starts to arise a power struggle. Her family readily assumes the husband is “brainwashing” her, not that she had developed ideas over a long period of time but could not practice them out of respect or fear of her family. The family’s mission, then, becomes about how to bring their brainwashed girl back to the “original programming”. Because the girl is now married, limitation of privileges cannot apply. The girl cannot be grounded, or forced into anything. The only available tool is emotionally pressuring her by saying things such as “you are hurting the family’s name, you are stabbing us in the back, EVERYBODY is condemning your actions, you are walking to hell with your own feet, etc.” Those words are so destructive and can fill a girl’s heart with insecurities and doubts. They are as alarming as a fire siren. Once silenced, a girl can realize that no real danger exists. There is no fire. The danger exists in the sound alone.
What do you think you’ll miss the most when you leave the USA?
I’ll miss the three of us: hubby, baby and I, leaving everyday through the same door, riding the same car, and singing the road away.
I’ll miss the normality of having common friends with hubby. Inviting couples over, and being invited as a couple.
I’ll miss being honest about what I’m thinking, feeling, and what I believe in.
I’ll miss being openly critical without being interpreted as rude.
I’ll miss getting my shoes and socks wet.
I’ll miss the liberty of not being judged!
What are your feelings on returning to KSA?
– Excited to work, build a good career, and make good income.
– Looking forward to my child being around his grammas’.
– Dying to have the liberty of scheduling my life without constantly tripping over an umbilical cord! I miss girly time; having special occasions to dress up for. I miss hubby having guyee time too.
– Yearning for authentic versions of shawarma, falafel, mutabbag, kabsa, jareesh, saleeg.
When was the last time you were in KSA?
Summer of 2007.
What kind of changes do you expect to find while you have been away?
-Increase in prices.
-Increase in malls.
-Increase in women not covering their faces.
-Increase in work options for women.
-Launch of a theater or two.
-Increase of universities, and specialization options.
-Increase in industrial cities.
What kind of adjustments will you need to make on return to the Kingdom?
Not being so spontaneous. Adjusting my outfit to the type of people I will be mingling with. Putting my skinny jeans on hold. Buying more skirts. More long shirts. Being eventually distanced from hubby.
And naturally, what advise, recommendations and suggestions do you give to other Saudi students who plan to study in the USA?
– Be prepared financially.
– Try not to have children until after you’re almost through with your programs of study.
– Do not come to explain Saudi to people, but rather, come to understand American people.
– Get involved with the community you are in. Search theaters, museums, historical sights, sport events, etc. Think: what is a college experience that is out of the ordinary? What is an experience that is so enriching that it can almost be included in a resume?
– Please, please, please: take at least one class of philosophy and another in psychology!
– Watch local news.
– Take the time alone and away. Sipping coffee. Observing people. Reflecting on your life. Yourself. Your path.
– Make use of public transportation.
– Try weird food/cuisines!
Thank you so much for allowing me not only to ask you these questions but for the opportunity to share them with others through my blog!
Thank you Carol.
Filed under: America, culture, gender, relationships, Saudi Arabia, Saudi culture, Saudi customs, Saudi education, travel, Uncategorized | 13 Comments »
