I had the opportunity recently to engage in a dialogue with a western man who has a Saudi wife. He was kind enough to agree to respond to some questions posed to him as well as allow me share his responses with you.
First, thanks for your cooperation in responding to my questions which I’m sure in turn will also generate a lot of additional comments from readers of my blog.
To begin with, how, when and where did you meet your Saudi wife?
We met online, on a Muslim marriage site, late in the summer of 2002.
Did you have a Saudi style courtship or a typical American courtship with dating?
I think it was something in the middle. We talked on the phone and communicated via e-mail and IM for three months before we met. We had a feeling there was something there. The first IM we talked for 11 hours. Yes, ELEVEN hours. We then exchanged phone numbers and neither of us slept for almost three days. We were on the phone the entire time. When it came time to meet I traveled to her and her parents house during Ramadan. It was at that time we decided to get married after the family met me and approved. We didn’t date, nothing like that. I went back to the state that we lived in and we started to plan the marriage, keeping up on the phone, e-mails and IM.
How long did you know one another before broaching the topic of marriage?
Our meeting was based on a desire to get married, so that was the basis of our contact.
At what point in the relationship were families informed? And what was the initial reaction of your family and her family?
Her family didn’t really care. They had felt that she was such a mix of East and West and so much a woman of her own mind that she would work best with a Western guy. Her mother had told her that a few years before we met but my wife dismissed it because of that fact that she didn’t know how she’d ever met a Western Muslim.
My family didn’t mind either. I was always a person who forged my own way and did my own thing.
What kind of a wedding did you have? Were you Muslim prior to your marriage?
I was a Muslim before our marriage, her family wouldn’t have consented if I wasn’t. I had converted a few years before in Europe. We had a traditional Muslim wedding. We had it at a venue with people of multiple faiths attending. The sheikh gave a nice speech on the idea of marriage in Islam. This was good to help the non Muslims attending what marriage in Islam was all about. After the sheik we had music. There was no dancing, but it was not segregated.
You have chosen to make your home with your wife in the United States. Can you comment on the reasons for this choice.
First of all it has do with the fact that marriage recognition is hard for Saudi women and non Saudi men. As an electrical engineer I could get a good job, my sister in law has said she could find me a good position. We worry about the educational prospects for our two young sons. My step-daughter has high functioning autism and the special education system in Saudi is awful. I guess it is also easier not having to worry about my wife’s ex husband and his family.
Have you been to Saudi Arabia?
Nope, Insha’Allah, I will go someday.
How has your family accepted a Saudi wife? And did her family ever make any efforts to match her up with a Saudi man when they learned she was interested in a Western man?
They are fine with it. I think they might have been surprised had I taken the “normal” road and found an American wife. Her family was fine as well. They liked me, my mother in law and the sister in law who lives with her, love me and the feeling is mutual.
How long have you and your spouse been married?
Five years on January 10th of this year.
Did you require any special approvals for your marriage? And if so, were they easy or difficult to obtain?
We didn’t require anything for our Islamic marriage or our state marriage, only for the Saudi recognition, which has been a nightmare.
What were some of the greatest challenges you and your spouse encountered due to having a bi-cultural marriage? How did you resolve those challenges?
Ours was easier because she had lived here for a long time and understand much of where I was coming from, cultural references and the like. I had traveled a lot in the Middle East and so was aware of a lot of the cultural aspects and cultural references. I actually listen to more Arabic music than she does.
I think our biggest problem, if you can call it that, is one of cleanliness. Saudis from upper class/well off families are known for being very clean. Much of this stems from a good reading of Islamic requirements, which are on the clean end.
I adopted much of what she did in regards to this because I felt it superior to the way we did it here in the USA and the way I had been raised.
I guess the only other issue was food. I eat a lot of things she had never even tried, like chicken wings; I use Bar B-Q sauce and stuff like that. She tried most of it and has actually aquired a taste for some of the stuff I like.
What made things work with us is the openness we had to try and do new things. Had either of us been resistant to new things I think it would have been an issue.
What advise would you give to other Western men who may be thinking of marrying a Saudi woman?
Think about it. A lot of things need to be considered, her family, her experience and expectations, her family and how they view the whole thing, where does she want to live, ect. There would be a laundry list of things I would think the guy should find out about.
I think for it to work the Saudi woman would have had to live abroad for a period of time, or the guy have lived in Saudi or the Middle East for awhile. Without either of them having that sort of frame of reference for the other culture it would be hard to see how it would work.
And what about a Saudi woman who is involved with a Western man? What should she know? What questions should she ask of him?
Of course religion is a huge issue. If he isn’t Muslim don’t even bother. That is just a practical issue. She needs to find out what his expectations are after marriage. If he is “Muslim” in name only that will make life hard when it comes to Ramadan, fasting, prayers and the like.
She should think about how she present it to her family. They might reject the guy right from the beginning if they started dating as “dating” is not an Islamic avenue for meeting your spouse, although it certainly happens.
If she wants to live in Saudi she needs to make sure this would be okay with him and see if he has the skill set that would allow him to get a job there.
Family might or might not be an issue. Here in the West, particularly the USA, we are not as close as families in Saudi. Does his family have an issue with it? Does he mind large extended families and large family gatherings?
Any final comments you would wish to make?
Not really. I would do it all over again if I had the choice. The only real problems that we have are related to the Saudi government. The reactions of the people around us, whether positive or negative, do not affect us.
I wish there were more of us out there and that we were more connected like some of the Westerners married to Saudi men online. I am not aware of any other Western guy married to a Saudi who blogs. Sad.
Again, thank you so very much for taking the time to answer my questions. I wish you, your wife and family all the very best.
Same to you Carol.
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