The love of my life has been gone for three months today. It still feels surreal to me that he is gone. I realize part of my acceptance or lack thereof of his death is not having been with him when he passed away. I was not there to have that final goodbye or be able to wash him for his burial. I was not there to say goodbye before he was laid to rest. As a result, I’m still struggling for peace.
I cannot express vividly enough how much I hate cancer. Cancer took Abdullah away from all who loved him too soon. Cancer is also what kept me away from being with my husband and taking care of him in his last days. I’m still battling my own cancer. Some days I do feel so tired I ask myself is it worth the fight. Then I have to remind myself of what would Abdullah have wanted for me. How would he expect me to face this battle without him?
Abdullah was not a quitter and he put up a valiant fight with his cancer until he took his last breath. I know he would expect the same of me. No matter how tired I may feel, I’ve got to keep fighting.
I recently attended a Relay for Life rally. This rally is to remember and honor those who lost their battle to cancer and to celebrate those who have survived the battle. The rally kicks off with living survivors walking around a track in celebration. It is a very emotional event. While survivors walk around the track, onlookers are on the sidelines clapping and cheering with every step taken. As I made that walk as a survivor I let the tears fall freely down my face. I felt that Abdullah should have been beside me as I walked. I confessed that thought to a friend who was with me, a fellow survivor.
Small white bags filled with sand and holding a candle bordered the entire walking track. My friend took my hand and led me to one of the bags. Little did I know that the bag would contain the inscription “In memory of Abdullah.” Yes, my friend knew how I would likely feel and wanted to show me that Abdullah was not forgotten and a part of the rally. Of course I cried harder on seeing his name but I also felt some release and relief. After I had my cry, I was able to continue walking along that track with my head higher and imagining that Abdullah was beside me with our hands entwined.
There’s no polite way to put it…Cancer sucks. It really does. And it is going to take more Relay’s and other awareness campaigns to raise the necessary funds for a cure to this hateful disease. In a few short weeks, I am going to be part of an official Relay for Life team. I am trying to raise awareness and funds for the cure. You can help too. If you’d like, you can support me. Click on this link to read more of my story and why I think we all must join together, regardless of faiths, locations and nationalities, to combat the ugly war of Cancer.
I lost my husband to cancer. I am still fighting my own battle and unsure of its conclusion. Let’s fight together to increase the odds for survival and better yet, a cure. Support me and Abdullah’s memory.
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