Is there really such a concept as a “Step-Parent” in Saudi Arabia? In most cases it is the woman who is the step, who is the one who has married a Saudi who already has children. How the stepmother is perceived and treated to a degree depends on the age of the children when she entered their lives and how the father and rest of his extended family have introduced her and treat her.
In my case with four adult stepchildren, I am known to them by my first name. When I met them I told them candidly I would never make any attempt to replace their mother and wanted to be looked upon as someone else who would be close to them and have their best interests at heart.
The girls would refer to me or introduce me as “their father’s wife” rather than as their stepmother. I’m okay with that. My stepson, who is the eldest, has been more relaxed and not only calls me his ‘American Mom’ but introduces me that way.
It is a fact worldwide that children regardless of age are going to be close and loyal to their moms. As a result there can be resistance or distance when another woman has become important in the father’s life. A stepmother should not try to force a relationship but let it develop naturally over time.
I have also seen in Saudi how some women feel that in order to be close and have a good relationship with stepchildren feel that the children must be taken shopping frequently or given gifts. Personally I don’t think that is the best way to forge a relationship. If a stepmother feels resistance she should talk to her spouse about it and elicit his suggestions since he knows his children best. And of course, have patience.
When the parameters of the new relationship are being formed be prepared to be tested. Stepchildren will purposely try or do things that are either prohibited or let’s say, not in good taste. They want to see the reaction of their stepmother and how she will respond. In the few cases where I’ve had such an incident happen, depending on the situation I either spoke to them directly and reiterated house rules or if I felt necessary brought their Dad in to explain and or reinforce.
My stepdaughters and I do not have too much interaction which has been their choice. They are older and have their own friends and activities. They do not hesitate to ask me when they have questions for which they do not know the answer or if they need help or assistance with a problem. We have had some occasions where we have had in-depth chats on various topics and I’ve always enjoyed those opportunities.
Fortunately for me, my stepchildren do speak English so language has not been a barrier to communications. For many other women in Saudi the language barrier has been a big challenge in building a relationship.
Do not be surprised or disappointed that Aunts and cousins are going to be greeted with much more warmth and affection than the stepmother. After all, these are not only blood relatives but family that’s been known since birth. It is very unlikely that a stepmother will ever have the same kind of relationship and degree of closeness with stepchildren as other Saudi family members.
The exceptions where a very close relationship may exist is when the stepmother comes into the Saudi child’s life while that child is very young and not only easy to impress but easier to bond.
Filed under: America, culture, friendship, gender, relationships, Saudi Arabia, Saudi blogs, Saudi culture, Saudi customs, Saudi education, Saudi Living, travel, Uncategorized, Women Issues Tagged: | America, blogging, culture, culture shock, customs, gender, gender issues, KSA, Love, marriage, Relationship, Saudi, Saudi Arabia, Saudi culture, Saudi customs, women
In our situation it was a bit different. The children were young and my wife is the Saudi. She gave them a choice to call me uncle, a sign of respect in the culture, or “dad”. They both chose to call me dad.
Although, as a concept, it doesnt really exist in Saudi. Since their father is a dead beat no show, no issue!
i think it takes a great person to be a step parent. no matter how the children feel about the person entering their life…the step parent chooses them to be part of the same family.
……..
i hope that your relationships with your husbands children continue to strengthen through this time….you share a special love for a very special person
Oh yes…I can say that through grief we have gathered and bonded further together.
I think step-mothers & children face the same issues world-wide.
What impact do you think these cartoons, TV shows, movies , etc which portray step-mother as an evil women have on children & their relationship with their mothers?
I don’t think that cartoons or movies or shows really have too much of an impact on how children see their step-parents.
No matter how wonderful the new person is, (man or woman), there are lines of loyalty that even grown-up children do not like to see broken.
I do think though that some of the movies, shows and cartoons do add an additional stigma to the term ‘stepmother’ and especially in the relationship between a stepmother and stepdaughters.
@Carol
I have a question. What is it like when parents divorce? Do the children typically stay close to both families or just the one of their guardian. What if a parent passes away? Are the children still treated well by both extended families? A little bit off topic, but I’m curious.
@culturewatch – so much depends on the relationships. Under Saudi/sharia’ah law, custody is generally given to the father. Children can stay with their mother until a certain age (as youngsters) and then the father automatically receives custody – unless – other provisions have been agreed upon.
Most children to my knowledge do stay close to both families. Again though much can depend on the father and his degree of flexibility. When a parent passes away the children usually do remain a part of the life of extended family as well as remain living with the surviving parent. And when a father or mother pass away all family members gather round to give the children support, comfort and help meet their needs.
Carol,
Thanks for clarifying for me. I’ve always wondered about what happens in those situations.
My pleasure.
I think there are many factors. Including the ages of the children, willingness of the Step-mom, the attitude of the mother etc. If there is any taint of “the other woman” on the step-mom, the step-kids will likely never come around. I think these things are true in both American and Saudi culture.
In Saudi you can have the additional twist where the father is still married to the mother as well as the step-mom. I’ve never seen that go well, and both families usually avoid each other, with the kids from the first marriage having issues with the father as well.
@Sandy – very good points and I agree with you!