There are certain patterns that I have noticed as standard practice the longer I am in Saudi and get to know more and more Saudi women. For the majority of Saudi women the prime goal in life is to marry. At that point she feels she has arrived into her own and is at last the lady of her own home. The next and probably most significant milestone is when she becomes a mother. At that point she will begin to lead and revolve her life around her child and any subsequent children. The bond between Saudi women and their children is strong and children learn at a young age that their mother is to always be revered and taken care of in life.
But what happens to the Saudi woman who for whatever reason, her marriage ends? What options does she have then? Ironically if a marriage ended while the woman is still considered “young” and marriageable but with no more than two children, she can have a good chance of marrying again. There is a fair chance she may remarry and still be the only wife. Her second wedding will also be a quieter affair because of the fact she had been married previously.
If a woman is older (30’s and above) and finds herself divorced or widowed, at that age her marriage prospects are more likely marriage to another widower or becoming a second wife.
And then if there is a widowed woman who may still be in her 30’s but have four or more children from her previous marriage, she has probably resigned herself to a life alone but for her children. It is less likely she would receive any attractive marriage proposals. Saudi men do not like to marry women who already have several children and do not want to raise another man’s child.
These women, who no longer have a husband in their lives and multiple children will learn how to support themselves. Many will work in the school system in one capacity or another. Hopefully the husband’s family will look out for his children by making sure they have what they need. And the women in turn will put the thought of marriage or having a husband out of their mind, instead focusing exclusively on their children.
One twist is if a widowed woman with 4 or more children is also known to be wealthy then it seems some men are willing to make an exception and seek her hand in marriage. Fortunately most Saudi women are too smart to allow themselves to be used in such a manner and can see through the intentions of the man.
Filed under: Charity, Saudi Arabia, Saudi Living, Saudi culture, Saudi customs, Saudi education, Women Issues, culture, gender, islam, relationships, travel | Tagged: culture, culture shock, customs, gender, gender issues, heritage, islam, KSA, marriage, Relationship, Saudi, Saudi Arabia, Saudi culture, Saudi customs
I’ve been living in sw TN for 2 years, I really miss the snow
ooops commented on wrong post— sorry
no problem Jerry! I understand what you meant!
Subhan’Allah, Manal and I were talking about this issue the other night.
As this is Saudi, we ought to talk about how religion plays, or doesnt play a role in this situation. The Sunnah of the Prophet is often pointed to by religious figures and the general public in the Middle East as an example of how people are supposed to lead their lives, yet it is funny (sad) how they very quickly forget the Sunnah when it comes to something they dont like.
The Sunnah of the Prophet is to marry divorced and widowed women. Why is it that so many Muslim men can only remember the Sunnah when it comes to traveling to Morroco to find a second or third wife, that might or might not yet be 18?
If these men were really interested in following the example of the Prophet they would NOT overlook divorced or widowed women of any age. Why the cultural stigmatism of marrying an older woman in the Middle East when the Prophets first wife was more than a few years older than him?
This shows us how when it is beneficial to follow the Sunnah, the men of the culture certainly do, when the culture and non Islamic behavior is more beneficial suddenly the Sunnah is nowhere to be found.
There is a word for this: HYPOCRISY.
Sorry, the above post is mine. I was using my wife’s browser.
thanks for sharing your view Abu Sinan and bringing up good points to reflect on.
So is 30 considered old in saudi? What happens if she is between 30-35 and no kids/never married? They still look over her?
it is sad. i think also in western countries a guy with “options” will not choose a divorced woman with kids or a single mom, either. the guys in the west who get with such women usually, it seems to me, have been previously married or involved and have kids of their own.
only exception, imo, is when a single, never married guy wants a visa then he considers the single mom.
in the west there’s a big stigma against obese women , too. maybe it’s the west’s own version of a viginity obsession.
very sad that you will never enjoy company of a man if you’re divorced in your 30′s with kids. even if you go for urfi you just the get crumbs of a man, if at all.
Sadly there is an overall bias in Saudi that if a woman has reached her 30′s and not yet married the likelihood of marriage and choices diminishes.
You know, I have to share what happened to me and what was said during my times when I was searching for a husband.
I was specifically told, not by one, but several Arab women, not to bother looking for a man without kids because one; chances are I will never find him and two; a man without kids is looking for a woman without kids and three; I was told that for me to be looking for a man without kids is ridiculous period!
Of course, I shrugged my shoulders and simply ignored it! There is a part of me that truly believes if a woman settles for anything less then less is what she will get! For me, I simply find it odd and quite ironic actually, that these so-called “Muslim” men who want the “ajur” (reward) from God etc, by pass widows, divorced women with or without children when the Prophet, himself (SAAW) desired women with such circumstances.
I do realize that MY own chances would have been quite small if I was living in the Middle East but you know what? I STILL would not have settled for anything less and if staying single was my only option, then so be it! But again, this is just my opinion and of course, my choice! It’s just for me, I would never ever allow myself to be a second wife and settle for the left over from anyone……….
For those women who are struggling today with this Middle Eastern cultural baggage, I do feel bad for them and I know that INsha’Allah, if they don’t get what they want in this life, they will certainly get much more in the after life………
It’s a huge shame on muslim men who would not take on a woman with kids, widowed or just purely “over a certain age”.
They do a disservice to themselves more than to the women (even though the prospects of being alone for 20 – 30 odd years is not a nice thought either).
Like whats been mentioned before, it goes against the sunnah in a lot of ways and brings the Islamic nation into a dire need. (The state for example, would become responsible through sadaqah and zakat to look after women who could not work or earn money of their own to support themselves which is another thing that seems to not be happening)
Saying that though, there are genuine men out there (maybe not from the kingdom) who do truly strive to live properly according to the Qur’an ans sunnna and would not hesitate to marry a righteous woman regardless of her status. So there is some hope.
i have a beautiful and i mean BEAUTIFUL neighbor who is divorced with one child in her mid thirties. i once jokingly asked her why she didn’t remarry and asked what she was waiting for. she responded she was “waiting” for her father.
at that particular time i was new to ksa so i didn’t quite understand her response. she went on to explain that she was indeed ready to remarry yet it was viewed as shameful within her family for her to approach her father and tell him so. she explained how she is expected to wait quietly for her father to find someone for her first THEN he will inform her of the prospect. that was seven years ago and she’s still unmarried, still waiting.
on a different note: manal what if you found yourself in a situation where being a second wife is what actually helped you? i once knew an american sister, divorced with 7 children. she was struggling to care for them all on top of dealing with very serious health problems. a young man within the community AND his wife accepted her plus the kids within their family.
i spoke to the 1st wife about her experience and she mentioned that her husband knew it wouldn’t be easy to take them all on yet he knew it was so right to do! so we still have a few good muslim men out there that do remember the proper reasons for polygamy in islam.
and honestly i don’t believe we should view any woman who has decided to become a 2, 3, 4 wife as settling for less. it can’t be an easy decision and you never know the circumstances that bring them to even consider that type of marriage. i think sometimes it’s just a matter of practicality. like with the woman i mentioned plus 7. i could easily see why she would choose to be 2nd verses single if for nothing else than to protect her children.
sorry bedu don’t want to go off topic here…back to the post
…..
helloo Carol!
well.. this is very critical issue and importantly of discussion..
a Saudi women who is got divorced or widowed have a hard choices for her marriage if she don’t have a job … i mean worker women is strong woman and that can make her to build lots of society relationships and this is a good factor for easy to getting marriage but i completely agree with you that there are a men who decide to marry for those woman to cheat on them to stole their money no more that is happen a lot.. yeah.. its complicated issue and i feel apathy for those women who cannot marry because they are divorced or widowed or for those who have a good money cannot find the suitable man who care for herself ..there is something i want to tell you i am not pretty sure if u know already .
.and that is behind of Islam’s rules a woman if she became divorced or widowed must care of her her father if doesn’t exist must do this one of her brothers if not must the Saudi government …..in islam a woman doent have to work !
alright …have a good one Carol!
It looks like things are pretty much the same here in Libya .
Very interesting comments by all. So many times the “right” way compared to what is reality differ. There are good men in Saudi and elsewhere around the world but are they the minority when it comes to a Saudi woman’s marital prospects?
Interesting post, Carol!
Another question I would like to ask is what options do Saudi women who CHOOSE to never get married have? Where are they supposed to live when they get older ? Can they have their own houses and live alone? Does the Saudi society accept such women?
I am a Saudi and I have always lived in Saudi but I find myself not sure about how to answer these questions
@Houstonian,
Now that you mention it, I only know of one Saudi female (with dual citizenship) who has a place of her own in Riyadh and chooses to be single. Then I do know of others who live in housing sponsored by their employer because their family home is located elsewhere. Most others I know live with family. I can also think of two sisters who share a home. You raise a good point. Unlike the States where single women choose to have their own apartment or house it would be more complicated for the Saudi woman. Who is going to rent a place to a single Saudi female? And what perception would be given if Saudi females were choosing to move out from their family home to live by themselves? It is a delicate issue.
@Carol,
You mention a friend with “citizenship”. It was my understanding that officially, under Saudi law, such a thing is not possible. When you get a foreign passport you are supposed to give up your Saudi passport.
It is my experience that this rule/law is one that is regularly ignored, but know of more than a few Saudis with two passports who will NOT bring their foreign passport with them to Saudi for fear of being given a choice to pick one. So it is either very well hidden on them or left back in the “other” country.
I know this is off topic……..but I think it would be a great subject for a future post.
‘ are they the minority when it comes to a Saudi woman’s marital prospects?’
the answer for ur question in modest view, we don’t have the data of this question what its size is in Saudi community ? but i think its one of the problems in Saudi community . but i think a good man still the percentage that is more….
‘ are they the minority when it comes to a Saudi woman’s marital prospects?’
the answer for ur question in my modest view, i don’t have the data of this question yet about what its size is in Saudi community –but i think its one of the problems in Saudi community . i think a good man is still the percentage that is more….
@ Abu Sinana,
Yes, that’s the law but it’s NEVER practiced. People who have dual citizenships don’t even have to be so secretive about it. Just use your Saudi passport when you are entering Saudi, and your other passport when you are entering the other country.
Houstonian summed up the dual citizenship perfectly!
Question: After the divorce, do the kids usually go to the father or to their mom? My understanding was that in Saudi typically it’s the father who gets custody. Or is this yet another example of how things “ought to be” vs how they are in reality?
I do think that it is gross when a much older man is looking for a much younger woman, unless the man is terrifically accomplished, but I don’t find it strange that as a woman ages or gets more children her chances at the marriage of her first choice diminish. We all have packages, age and children are certainly part of one. Women have their requirements too, and sometimes they are grossly unrealistic.
I have a Saudi sister-in-law. This is her package: she’s 42, never married, university degree but not career-oriented, has a job of some sort, has a little of her own money, lived with parents all her life, cute but not stunning. I don’t find it odd that men who propose to her are either forty- to fiftysomething widowers with children or already married. She turns them all away because they are not good enough for her. My thinking: Why would a young, never-married, childless, successful guy look for someone like her? Their packages are simply mismatched. If you accidentally meet and fall in love, fine, but that’s not how things work around there. As she ages out of childbearing years, her proposals will become even less advantageous. Of course, perhaps she simply does not want to marry, and that’s cool too.
@NN – here is an earlier post I wrote about divorce in Saudi:
http://americanbedu.com/2008/05/15/divorce-in-ksa-who-gets-custody/
And in regards to your comment, I think there are a percentage of Saudi woman who prefer not to marry and are content with their lives. Saudi ladies — I need your input on this one as I’m only commenting here from observations as a non-Saudi!
Hi Carol…
I’ve been taking glances from time to time at your recent post, but couldn’t comment because I am extremely busy…have been assigned a new position at work and it’s soooo demanding and overwhelming….I return home a dead body and mind
I think it’s very hard to make any sort of generalizations regarding divorced women in Saudi Arabia…it’s different from city to city and it is extremely different from family to family…
I have a divorced aunt (whom I beleive has become very famous in this blog:) )..she has been divorced 5 times from 5 different men…lives alone now..supports herself financially…has a free and good socail life…
A cousin of mine was divorced when she was in her early thirties..she has two kids…recently she got married to a really fine man who has two kids also…
Another cousin married three times with no kids…luckily she married a great man with two kids (whose mothers dumped them)..now she is raising her kids and her husband’s kids…a very large family to take care of indeed…..
such stories are endless in my family…many of our girls have married at least twice in their lives…and it is hard at first, but a better rational choice in the second marraige makes it up for them…
I think it depends on the family and the woman’s personality and education….
Regarding the custody of children, it depends on the sex of the children and their age…
My brother divorced his wife….she got the custody because the children are boys under 7…after they become 7 years old, they are asked to make a choice between their mother or father…The court has made a fixed schedule for them to be with their father; that is from Wed. to Fri, and they spend the rest of the week with their mother…and my brother was ordered by the court to specify a monthly payment for his kids plus their medication and their other needs…
All these dicisions were made by the court in less than four months…I really wonder why people suffer when they get divorced..in my brother’s case everything was smooth regarding the arrangments…however, his ex wife is still giving him a hard time..but that’s another story..and that’s a type of Saudi women I bet you’ve never heard of
Thanks Maha for sharing additional perspectives and especially from the Saudi side. You are right that perspectives and actions are so different from family to family and where they are from in the Kingdom.
And I hope work eases up for you! You and your comments have been missed!
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Hello Everyone.
Its very shameful that men just ignore to marry a divorced with or without kids,
i do agree its their personal choice,
i m divorced. My marriage life hardly lasted. im willing to give life to someone who is divorced with kid. But my family has a different point of view. Is giving life to sumone divorced or seperated not sunnah?
Welcome Ahamed,
You bring up a good point. You state that you would have no objection to marrying a divorced woman but that your parents would object. How does one overcome familial objection?
In the States noone really blinks an eye when a man or woman marries someone who has been divorced and/or also has children. They become a new extended family together.