I recently received a request from a follower of American Bedu on the topic of how to communicate with a Saudi husband. In this particular case the wife is an American who has been married for a while to a Saudi.
While the quick answer may appear to be as long as a couple talks to one another they are communicating. However this is not necessarily the case. A couple needs to ensure that although they may be speaking to one another, is the message being conveyed actually understood? I can attest even from own personal experience that -I- may believe I effectively stated my point of view or feelings to my Saudi spouse but then later on it is clear that what I said he in turn interpreted differently. This was not intentional on his part or mine but simply due to the fact that we process information differently. Effective interpretation is critical in any relationship but has even more significance when participants are from differing cultural backgrounds. And of course an open Western upbringing and a traditional Saudi upbringing with segregation can have an impact on the way each communicates and interprets due to differing exposures and experiences.
Some tips that may work if a couple fears they are losing the ability to communicate or not being understood is to take a time out and try some simple exercises which help ensure a couple are on the same sheet of music. For example the wife could make a list of HER understanding of the responsibilities of an effective wife. The husband also makes HIS list of what he understands are the responsibilities of an effective husband. The lists are then compared and discussed in a non-confrontational manner. Equally important, what are the expectations of each other as a partner? How does each define partnership?
Such discussions should not try to take on each and every subject or issue in one standing. A couple should decide on a topic they feel needs to be addressed and similar to any appointment, set a time and place for the discussion. Additionally, set a time limit. And as hard as it may be, try not to get too emotional or distracted when speaking. Lastly, LISTEN to what the other says and repeat it back with examples to ensure understanding.
And in closing, any relationship takes work and takes both parties wanting it to succeed.
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I like making the list, good idea!
Communication is the key…but many times not easy to do when trying to walk the minefield of a mixed cultural marriage.
a mild understatement!
That should be a requirement for ANYone before marriage regardless of cultural gap or not.
Looks like good communication is important, in ANY marriage!
Cultural and family influences weigh heavily on this subject. A woman’s familial power comes from her sons as husbands are counseled not to spoil their wives nor let their wives have undue influence over them.
It is sometimes a losing battle in an Islamic culture. Men bond with men, mothers-in-law terrorize the household and new wives come last.
If you are a foreign wife be especially certain to have your husband sign the form that allows you to leave the country without having to get his permission. If you wait until it becomes an issue, you are stuck. Don’t allow yourself to buy into romantic dreams of soul mates and the like. In a culture where a woman’s vote (testmony) is religiously decreed to only be worth 1/4 of a man’s your rights as a second class citizen are at the whim of others.
Don’t believe? Want to argue? Just wait or thank your lucky stars that you are a rare exception. Want to cite all your friends as examples, look more closely. What have you sold, except your soul, for an ounce of fickle love. Stop kidding yourself. The cultural gaps are too large even if you chose to convert.
Welcome Noora and thanks for your wise comment.
As an American Muslim woman my marriage to my Saudi husband was, believe it or not, arranged and unfortunately this was to our detriment. We both naively thought our Islam alone would help us to overcome the cultural differences and a 30 year age gap. We have a tremendously long list of disagreements on particular issues all of which stem from the very, very different way my husband and I process information as Bedu touched on.
Sadly, Bedu’s advice of writing a list would not help me as I feel my husband wouldn’t take it seriously. He is rather fond of saying “our women don’t do that here” or “that is your way in the west, now you’re married to a saudi! He has forgotten that compromise goes both ways in a marriage and that we can embrace the good of BOTH cultures!
We have many dialogue obstacles. Sometimes I feel he doesn’t show concern for my feelings. I once told him that something he had said “wasn’t nice” and he replied “shame on you for speaking to your husband that way!”. It seems no matter what I say it is never right. I always seem to choose the wrong words, phrase or tone that only angers him more.
I’ve lost count how many times he has actually told me to “keep quite” and not give my opinion unless I was asked. He said I was to simply say “ok, as you wish”, with a smile on my face even if I happened to disagree. I do not know of many women, American or otherwise, who can successfully do that and when I mentioned this to him he said if I wanted to be a “good wife” I would learn.
I once asked him what his idea of a “good wife” is, in which he replied it is a woman who always looks beautiful, is always smiling, serves him promptly and never refuses marital relations. But when I asked him, “what about companionship”?, he drew a blank as if the thought never occurred to him
I need him to realize I am not a wall. I have thoughts, opinions, dreams, etc that I NEED to be able to discuss with my husband from time to time within reason of course. Yet sadly he doesn’t seem to need this from me, his wife and the mother of his two children.
This problem has festered for so long I dread attempting to discuss anything with him and will often leave the room once he enters simply to keep the peace within our home.
We carry on for the children so divorce is not an option and besides he does have good qualities that convince me to stay. I want to save my marriage and learn to effectively communicate with my husband and to be a good wife to him but I need him to WANT to be a good husband to me too! So how can I reach him? Am I foolish enough to believe things could ever improve between us after seven years of marriage?
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@Umm Tiflain,
I am very sorry that you are facing such challenges. What I have seen in cases where the western woman has accompanied her Saudi husband back to his home country and does not have any of her family close by enough to support her is that the woman will usually form her own group of female friends, whether from her husband’s extended family or may make other expat friends. The chances are less likely that the Saudi husband will change since he’s back in his home country where his word is followed. You also mention a 30 year age gap and perhaps he sees himself more as a teacher and role model too.
So what to do? Maybe try setting small daily goals for yourself that give you pleasure. I’m thinking more that if you also do things that you know would please him and bring a smile to his face, he in turn would want to show that he appreciates your gestures. I’m not sure what your day to day life is like but find outlets for yourself too to keep yourself engaged and involved on things that you enjoy.
And as always, please do not hesitate to contact me directly at any time at admin@americanbedu.com
Bedu
I feel the both the partner’s perceptions of a good wife and a good husband should be discussed before marriage not after it and they should get into the marriage only if they think each of them can meet the expectations of the other in the long run. This applies not only to Saudi-American couples, but to all marriages in general.
Of course, in many cases both partners promise many good things before marriage but don’t keep their promises afterwards. One has to be cautious that the other person is honest about what s/he says and one should also be honest oneself.
It’s also not a good idea to go for practices one is not used to – such as an arranged marriage system, or to be an obedient wife, simply because one’s new religion has these practices in its traditional societies. People in those societies are culturally conditioned to follow these practices as “normal” and hence, they can live with such practices in most cases. But if you are not used to them, you won’t be able to change over to those mindsets immediately and will be spending a hard time in your marriage.