Marriage to a Saudi can be confusing. Why is that you may ask? Because there are so many variables and permissions and approvals as well as differing kinds of marriage, some more recognized and accepted than others. The Islamic marriage which is performed with a wali (like a guardian who looks out for the brides interest) and with two witnesses and a sheik is viewed as a solid marriage. And this marriage should not only be recorded at the local Islamic center or mosque where the marriage took place but if in Saudi Arabia with the Saudi courts and Interior Ministry as well. With these provisions the wife can be assured she has a legal binding marriage and entitled to all full rights as the wife of a Saudi.
But what about those who have engaged in a misyaar or mutah marriage with a Saudi? I am not an expert but there certainly seem to be a lot of similarities between a misyaar marriage and a mutah marriage. In a misyar marriage a man and woman will have a marriage contract in accordance with shariah (Islamic) law but the woman readily agrees to forfeit some rights. The man is under no obligation to provide her with accommodation or maintenance. In addition there is no obligation for the husband to stay overnight with his wife in a misyaar marriage. They can be together and perform all acts together (include sexual) as a husband and wife but each also retains much of their own independence. It is also not unusual for some couples to choose to have their misyaar marriage remain a secret, particularly if the woman was divorced and had custody of the children. If the former spouse learned she had a new husband, it would not be unusual for him to exercise his right and take the children away from her, hence the desire for secrecy.
Now a mutah marriage on the other hand is a type of marriage followed by shia’a muslims. A mutah marriage is a “fixed term” or temporary marriage. It is widely practiced by traveling Saudis and particularly Saudi students who are studying outside of the Kingdom. In essence, the mutah marriage allows for legal sex. Otherwise in my own view, I do not see any benefits for the woman to agree to such a marriage.
While I am aware of some Saudi women who have a misyaar marriage I am not personally aware of any Saudi woman who agreed to a mutah marriage. Most of the mutah marriages of which I’m aware are of Saudi men who have taken a foreign bride and in many cases, are unable or have no intention of getting approval for marriage to the foreign woman.
So in closing this post I would like to caution that if you are a woman and particularly a foreign woman involved with a Saudi be aware of the differing kinds of proposals received by the man and how the differing kinds of marriage can impact on a woman’s rights and entitlements.
Filed under: culture, gender, islam, relationships, religion, Saudi Arabia, Saudi culture, Saudi customs, Saudi education, Saudi Living, Women Issues Tagged: | culture, culture shock, customs, gender issues, islam, KSA, Love, marriage, religion, romance, Saudi, Saudi Arabia, Saudi culture, Saudi customs, women
Interesting overview of this important topic!
My understanding is that since misyaar is permissible for Sunnis and muta’a is not, the vacation and study abroad marriages are considered misyaar by the Sunni participants although the counterargument is made that if it is planned to endure only the specified time of the stay in the foreign country it is muta’a and therefore not permissible except for Shi’a.
While I haven’t seen any Saudi or Saudi-involved patients with problems around this issue, I have seen other Muslim and Hindu men who have the live-in Western girlfriend for 2 or 3 years while studying here. The crisis hits when a younger sibling is sent to study here and live with them, and Mama starts to visit more or moves here too. Mama always takes precedence.
Girlfriend is moved out (before maternal arrival) and there is an attempt to maintain the relationship without Mama finding out. Cultural conflicts that didn’t exist before emerge between the couple, and eventually most often rupture, with pain on both sides.
Others will have a live-in relationship with no intention of marrying outside their ethnicity, race and faith–which usually goes unstated until the time comes to return home, or to marry someone else. Again, alot of pain.
Of course the happy stories, don’t need to consult with me, and I know those through non-professional relationships.
“Otherwise in my own view, I do not see any benefits for the woman to agree to such a marriage.”
There are presently two major uses for these marriages:
1) So that a prospective bride-and-groom can get to know each other before they are formally married. There can be a clause in the muta’a contract to disallow any form of sex.
2) A male can live with a female friend/cousin. If they do muta’a (again [b]DISALLOWING[/b] sex), the woman becomes mehram and doesnt have to wear hijab around the man.
There are quite a few benefits for women, if they wish to practice mut’ah. I also see mut’ah as being more respectful, as opposed to misyar where the man doesn’t even need to provide accommodation for the woman.
Sayyid Khamenei:
Q: What is mut‘ah marriage? Is her father’s permission necessary?
A: Temporary marriage like permanent marriage is permissible and requires a marriage contract. Moreover, there is no difference between permanent marriage and temporary marriages except in some aspects of the law, such as there is no divorce in temporary marriage – it terminates with the expiration of the period. Likewise, neither spouse in a temporary marriage inherits from the other. In both permanent marriage and temporary marriages, she should not have another husband and not to be in ‘iddah for marriage with another man. If she is virgin, the permission of her father/paternal father is required based on obligatory caution.
Another good source on the subject:
http://www.al-islam.org/al-serat/muta/
Sorry for writing a lot, but I really feel that whenever people bring up mut’ah, others use it as a chance to attack Shia Muslims so I just wanted mention some benefits just in case that happens
Just wanted to add something that I think applies to this:
Q: Is it permissible to do mut‘ah with a woman who commits zinā or with a prostitute?
A: It is reprehensible to marry a woman who commits zinā, especially if she is known to be a prostitute.
- Khamenei.
I have no idea if I can edit my previous comment to include that – sorry if I can
Women beware…. Do your homework! :
:
Thanks for the info. I’ll keep it in mind if I ever decide to “marry” a Saudi.
Anon and Ellen–thanks for your clarifications which helped me have a better understanding of muta’a marriages.
@ Chiara although the article does not make that distinction clearly indeed Chiara mutah marriages are for a specific , predetermined!, period practiced by Shiites. Sunni’s are not allowed to predetermine the period of the misyaar marriage (although many may “think” it.)
So it is a little hypocrite to say mutah is haram and misyaar is halal. The real truth is in the true intention of both partners.
This off topic, but Susie big adventure blog has been blocked in Saudi Arabia. I know she tackled some controversial topics lately but I didn’t think it will come down to this. Let us hope this block is only temporary.
@A Saudi man – I am very very surprised to hear this! I don’t think her subjects have been any more controversial than a lot of other blogs, including mine.
Hopefully you won’t be next!!!
Peter–Thank you for your comment. As you suggested, “Allah knows best”, but Sunni men (in the gendered sense of the term) seem to have decided that misyaar is for them halal, and Shiite men (ditto) seem to have decided muta’a is halal for them.
Self-deception about one’s intentions is no better (though common) than deception of others (also common). I think it is particularly sad to have a conversation with a Moroccan friend who shows me pictures of her visit with a cousin in Montreal and his hispanoamerican live in girlfriend x3 years, and have her say that the girlfriend thinks they are unofficially engaged but he will only marry a Moroccan, and definitely not a non-Muslim. In my opinion he should be less deceptive with himself, the girlfriend and/or his cousin.
I am very sorry to hear that Susie’s blog has been blocked.
Could someone please explain what this means from Susie’s perspective? Since she is in Saudi, is she unable to access her own blog? Sorry if this is a stupid question, I’m hoping this news isn’t as bad as it seems.
Would it be blocked because of her recent focus on women’s issues and Saudi beliefs and law? And, a more horrifying thought, would it be because of her posts and her own comment, or the comments others made to her or all of the above?
My apologies again if these are ignorant (in the not knowing sense) questions. Thanks.
Chiara,
she did touch on some women issues, but still this is a bit surprising since a few Saudi bloggers tackled the same issues with vigor, and their real identities are well known. I don’t know maybe she crossed some imaginary red lines.
Of course she and her readers in the kingdom can circumvent the blockage by way of proxies. Saudi Eve still writes after being blocked for almost 3 years, I’m hoping this is all a misunderstanding, and the block is lifted.
Chiara-I agree, some men like to play. Regardless, of their nationality, or the tool they use to act on their bad intentions. It is really sad they do not know they are only fooling themselves by doing this. Most men where i come from, used to think of any girl they take as a GF(whether they got to muta’a her, misyar her, or only talk to her on the phone)as a cheap toy. this is only changing now, it used to be an exception to find a guy marrying a girl he had a relationship with, regardless, of the nature of the said relationship. Now, it i s becoming more common. In fact, it was very likely that girls stopped hanging with other girls to not ruin their future:P. I say, give me a break! With a mind like that, i don’t want your sorry ass anyway! I actually knew a bunch of girls who were deseperate to get married, they stopped befriending a girl, they even went as far as telling me i shouldn’t hang out with her because she had a relationship with a guy,I told them but your dear frnd over there also, had a relationship with a guy:S. The hypocrisy of it all, the difference was that one girl was unfortunate to have had the word spread around town, and those two who were snobbishly telling me this, did not. Not to mention the rest of the details that could make anyone sick. I will… She had a strict mom, and she didn’t have a dad so she was excused of her actions by society for those reasons. I guess the other girl would have to be as unfortunate as her, for society to view her as a teenager:S. Yes, I said it! She was a mean, nasty girl hiding behind her mom’s religous background &-I feel bad saying this- the loss of her father. Anyway, the girls that were in a reltionship, after getting their hearts ripped out by sleezy men who just went off and married someone else, are all married now, one of them has a daughter
. The one who was trying too hard, is-i don’t say this for shamatah-not married yet. Sorry for the long post. If it’s what she wants, allah ys3dha, amen.
A Saudi Man–thanks for your reply. It reminded me of the comments in the blogosphere about how to access blocked sites. I’m hopeful she will be able to continue. I am also perplexed, as the same most controversial topics were addressed by many in the blogosphere with similar attitudes in the postings and comments.
Daifuku–Thanks for your comment and example. These situations are unfortunat,e particularly as according to Islam (as others here know better than I) the men shouldn’t be in relationships out of wedlock either. Of course, societal attitudes seem to be universally more condemnatory of the woman for a variety of reasons, including issues of family structure, paternity, heritage etc. Hopefully the currently unmarried one will soon find a respectable man to marry.
I dislike deception, but this is one of the classic reasons for hymen repair–mistakenly believing one is in a genuine relationship, only to be tossed aside. The equivalent of “date rape”, or stranger rape, are others, and some women do engage in sexual activity more voluntarily and then have the repair.
I find some Muslim women studying abroad are as tempted as the men to explore Western style relationships, and struggle with their religious and cultural values in light of their other wishes for a sexual relationship without marriage so they can continue their studies. I have been asked about the importance of maintaining an intact hymen in these situations, and caution that they need to think hard about longterm repercussions when they return (psychologically or physically ) to their own culture.
This is similar advice I give to homosexuals tempted by pressure in Western Europe and North America to be out of the closet, and who come from or return to societies where being identified as homosexual has far greater repercussions socially and legally than it does in the West.
How does a woman know if she is entering a Misyar marriage or a “regular” marriage? I mean is a Misyar marriage actually called a “misyar marriage” in the contract? Or just the added conditions such as the “man is under no obligation to provide her with accommodation or maintenance” or “there is no obligation for the husband to stay overnight with his wife” that make it a misyar marriage?
In other words, I am trying to figure out if the woman is fully aware that the contract she is signing is a Misyar or not?
BTW….I do not see a difference b/w Mutah and Misyar….It is just a typical Shia/Sunni word play…
@Gloria – I’m not an expert by any means but I’ll try to answer your questions…
to my knowledge a misyaar marriage should be addressed and referred to as a misyaar marriage in the marriage contract. And of course a big clue that it is a misyaar is that the man is under no obligation to provide for his wife.
Whereas mutah marriage is supposed to have a specific time limit for the relationship.
I am sure that others who are much better informed than me will also respond to your queries.
Although I do agree with Anon that some of mut’a uses are the ones he/she described nevertheless majority of mut’a marriages are definitely for sex-purposes, for example in Qom there are many, many mut’a marriages and so are in Tehran where such marriages are getting more frequent with increasing economic hardships.
That said I do not see neither mut’a marriage nor misyar marriage as anything else but exploitation of women.
What is more, majority of Iranian women do view mut’a marriages as nothing more than prostitution or something very close to prostitution. No “good” Iranian girl would even think of mut’a marriage if it involve sex. (the mut’a purposes that anon mentioned are OK)
Thanks Carol. I have also assumed that a Misyar should be addressed as such in the marriage contract. Otherwise it would be very tricky for a woman & there is a possibility that she would sign a contract other than what she has previously anticipated. Again I know that certain terms & conditions should be clearly stated in the contract…I am just curious if they are calling it by what it is.
“What is more, majority of Iranian women do view mut’a marriages as nothing more than prostitution or something very close to prostitution. No “good” Iranian girl would even think of mut’a marriage if it involve sex. (the mut’a purposes that anon mentioned are OK)”
@ella: That is absolutely correct.
In my opinion both kind of “marriages”- Mutah & Misyar- serve sexual desires.
I agree that they both exploit women.
Gloria – no idea about misyar, but if one wants to enter into a mut’ah contract, there are some words that have to be said and the woman needs a mahr.
I don’t think they exploit women when they are used responsibly. Mut’ah is not solely about fulfilling “sexual desires”, many older women do it to simply have companionship. I know one man did it with a woman who was thinking about reverting to Islam, just so he could talk about sensitive subjects with her.
My point is is that if the woman is completely aware of what she is doing and agrees to it (I am nooot talking about prostitution here), such as the engaged couple that want to hold hands or cousins who wish to take off their hijab in the house, then it does not exploit women.
It is when this is abused by (usually) men that it starts to get horrible and yes, I would agree that women are exploited in those situations.
@Ellen: The reason I strongly disagree with both Mutah & Misyar is that both “marriages” can be used to exploit women. In Iran it has lead to a legal form of prostitution… and as ella explained no “good’ Iranian girl would go through it.
BTW..I am Shia so I am not attacking Mutah specifically. Since Mutah can have a time limit attached to it, the woman knows what she is doing. I am not sure if the same is true about Misyar!?? I hope someone here can answer that for me.
Misyaar has no time limit, that is the major difference, and where the problem comes for Sunnis who go on a one month holiday somewhere knowing they will end the relationship after a month and yet contract a misyaar marriage and end it at the end of the holiday.
Chiara: Do you know if a Misyar Marriage is specifically called a “Misyar marriage” in the contract?
I should have added that a woman should be able to establish that it is a misyaar marriage, since for the contract to be binding she has to be able to understand it ie it must be reliably translated for her (if necessary), there must be 2 witnesses, she must have a mahr, and she must give her verbal and written consent. It is specified in the contract that she gives up her rights to financial support, housing, shared nights with other wives, etc.
Use your own translator, and keep your own certified copy of any marriage contract . The wife’s lack of a copy often results in her having problems with the rights she is entitled to if the husband claims the marriage never happened.
Thanks Chiara. Now it does make sense to me.
I don’t know if the word Misyar is used as such, but the forfeiting of certain rights is specified in the clauses of the contract.
A tip off of something fishy seems to be a marriage contracted in secret (no one except the witnesses) and from an unofficial place.
Marriage contracts in other Muslim countries are through the Ministry of the Interior in part, because they are in part property contracts (like a pre-nup). Let me know if you need directions to the marriage bureau in Rabat or Casablanca, which I know ohhhhhhh soooooo welllllllll, or Fes, Marrakech or Meknes (other cities worth visiting) LOL
Yes, I am interested to know if it is specifically called a misyar contract but since forfeiting of certain rights is specified in the clauses of the contract then I guess that is all that really matters.
Do you know the directions to the marriage bureau in Dubai? ;-P …. I am just curious…. Thanks
Sorry, no. Try standing near government looking offices and saying “Feen adul?” LOL
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL….. I never thought marriage can be so difficult. Anyway I am NOT about to get married… I am just doing some homework.
What is “Feen adul?” I don’t speak Arabic.
Hopefully it means “where is the adul?” [the person who conducts the legal marriage service]–but Arabic speakers please feel free to correct this. We don’t want Gloria wandering about Dubai asking erroneous questions. LOL
Hmmmm, so much homework! Surely you are about to take an “exam” LOL
LOL@Chiara: Yes, I am about to take an exam….but it is more like a mid-term exam than a final one.
I have a Dubai trip coming up…. but no marriage plans.
I might marry in 5 years…LOL …
Anyway, I had this discussion once with him & he said there is only one kind of marriage. LOOOOL…
Besides my mother is so against it. She already hates him with passion.
“anduk ‘may” (Moroccan for watch out for/be careful of mom)! LOL
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL…. Mom doesn’t like him because he is Saudi. She told me he’ll beat me up and put me in his HAREM.
So I told him about it…he got so sad… and said he doesn’t beat women and he doesn’t have a Harem. 
Anyway I told mom about what he had said and she was mad at me for telling him about it. I can do no right.
Maybe he’ll throw you in his oil well! Don’t tell him I made this joke! Don’t tell your mom either! It’s our secret okay? I have to go watch CNN now to find out about REAL Arabs LOL
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL…. I promise I won’t tell.
CNN is so overrated.
LOL @ Gloria and Chiara.
Funny how a Shia is marrying a Saudi….Quite the opposite ends of the spectrum
Ellen wrote:
“Gloria – no idea about misyar, but if one wants to enter into a mut’ah contract, there are some words that have to be said and the woman needs a mahr.
I don’t think they exploit women when they are used responsibly. Mut’ah is not solely about fulfilling “sexual desires”, many older women do it to simply have companionship.”
In misyar marriage a man also pays a dowry, and as far as “sexual desires” both marriages are all about sex especially Mut’ah marriage. Some of these mut’ah marriages last as little as few hours no waiting period is observed after the marriage is dissolved. A woman can enter into another arrangement within a few hours of the first one.
This is quite simply a religiously sanctioned prostitution with the Mullah’s stamp of approval.
Anon-no, not really.
Because there are Saudi Shias, & because I’ve seen Saudi Sunnis marry Shias, not many to mention though..quite a few.
A Saudi Man – there needs to be a waiting period once a mut’ah marriage ends. Therefore if a woman enters into another arrangement after a few hours, she is not doing mut’ah – rather it is prostitution.
My comment was about when mut’ah is practiced responsibly and the way it is supposed to be done
Thanks for writing that about misyar – I didn’t talk about that because I’ve never looked into it.
@daifuku: He is Saudi Sunni.
@Ellen – your comment is the best one I have heard on why anyone would legitimately consider a mutah marriage other than for sex. Thank you!
Gloria-
well, see that’s what I mean, I’m not surprised at all.
What i meant is I don’t find it awkward for A sunni man to marry a shia woman, or a woman from other sects, religions.. etc. I would find it weird if A sunni Saudi lady did that. Most cases I’ve seen are Sunni non-Saudis who go ahead and marry a Shia man.
not weird, but rare.
Yes it is rare but sweet. http://www.FreeSmileys.org” rel=”nofollow”>
Oops..the smily did not appear.
The idea of marrying a cousin simply so you don’t have to wear hijab in front of him, with no intent of having an actual marriage, seems like playing with the idea of marriage. Don’t you have to intend to actually be husband and wife?
@munaqabah – interesting question…especially when you think about the stigma that divorce carries for a Saudi woman… so take the scenario she may marry in mutah in order to be able to live with a cousin. They do not have relations yet when the marriage ends, wouldn’t she therefore be viewed as a divorced woman? I hope someone with a better understanding than me can address this one.
I don’t know the Shia point of view, but what I’m familiar with is that when a couple signs the contract, they usually don’t consummate the relationship until later, when they have the wedding party and move in together (although legally, they are married, and they can). They can be alone together, and they spend this time getting to know each other, furnishing their new apartment, etc. If they decide to break up during this time, they do have to get a divorce, but they specify whether or not the marriage was consummated, and it is treated differently if it wasn’t.
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Keep in mined that Shea forbidden Mesyaar, for one major legal issue in accordance to marriage Law, Groom Must be the responsible party for providing also he has what’s called QUAMA (full responsibility of the wife is his 24\7\365) while in messyar the man does not have to provide.
The bride must obey her motaa husband within Allah’s limit.
mesyar bride don’t have to obey her husband
written with best of my knowledge as a Shea Muslim.
May Allah Accept our effort
This is just awful. A non-Muslim woman given a marriage proposal by a Muslim man could be misled. Especially than for non-Muslims, there is only one kind of marriage, one that is binding forever (unless legal actions on the separation of marriage are pursued). Marriages in non-Muslim countries are not categorized as temporary nor for sex-purposes only (traditionally) so for a non-Muslim woman, a marriage proposal is such a BIG deal! Yet, for the Muslim man who offers the proposal it might not be the case… especially if he is just going through it so he could be romantic relationship that is acceptable in the eyes of Islam. OMG. THIS IS HORRIBLE.
the sad thing about bi-cultural marriage proposals specifically between a muslim guy and a non-muslim girl is that the muslim guy might just be referring to a misyar or hatta marriage while for the non-muslim who has absolutely no concept of these deceptive marriages, it would mean the world to her and she would invest everything. Meaning to say, she might lay down her future, her career, her job, her family, her beliefs, her hopes and dreams on this man who in truth only proposed so he could engage in a romantic relationship with her or engage sexually with her “within bounds of Islam.” And the girl would be left in the dust after he would finally settle down with a girl from his own country and who is approved of by the family.
@Gypsy Girl,
Very valid points and in some cases, it has been known to happen where the man will marry a woman so they have a halal relationship even though he knows that at some point he will likely return to his home country without her. The man needs to come to the plate and explain this to a woman and especially if she is not aware of this.
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Do we have any other choice aside from the two types of marriage. Both sounds terrible to me …
Actually the choices -can- be many; it depends on the Saudi.
Oh I see…thank you for clearing that out…Well, I’m hoping I can read more about it here
you sure can! Earlier posts (of which there are many) can be found just by typing “marriage” in the search bar at the right hand side of the blog.
Okay. Thank You very much!
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