It is not unusual at all for non-Saudis whether in the Kingdom as an expat worker or as a Saudi spouse or as an expat dependent spouse may indeed at one point suffer from depression. Particularly if one comes from a western environment and culture there can be difficulties in adjusting to the more conservative nature of Saudi Arabia. One foreign (western) wife of a Saudi shares candidly about her experiences with depression and offers wise advice from her own experiences:
Assalamu alaykum,
I just want to touch on the topic of depression a little bit. I’ve lived in the Kingdom 16 years and have experienced bouts of sadness/depression. Alhamdullilah, I’ve been able to get over them fairly quickly and get on with my life – this without much help or understanding from anyone.
I had post-partum depression after the birth of our fifth and last child; and it wasn’t until I neared the point of a nervous breakdown (well . . . maybe not quite . . . but I definitely wasn’t feeling that great) that my husband and family finally said to themselves: “Oh, this lady really does need help.” Duh!! Having just had a baby without my mother or family around for support and not having been home for a visit for four years really contributed to my depression. Yes, I think I was 
homesick big time, and the change in my hormones just made my body go berserk. So I went home by myself for a month and got myself together. My husband was the one who encouraged me to do this but my in-laws certainly raised their eyebrows. They made me feel incredibly guilty about leaving behind my 11 month old baby girl. I came back a totally different person, however, and it was the best thing I had ever done. After all the sacrifices I had made over the years, it was about time I thought about myself.
When I was in the midst of my PPD, one of my husband’s nieces said, “Saudi women don’t get post partum depression.” I was like, okay, . . . whatever. Still today I feel a bit embarrassed and disappointed that I didn’t handle myself better.
Culture shock was at the root of some of my depression in the beginning as well. I looked forward to experiencing a new culture and was quite excited at first. However, I most definitely was not prepared for the extent of the cultural dissimilarity I encountered. I was so involved in the moving process that I did not even think about preparing myself emotionally.
The first few months were exciting and new. But eventually this blissful feeling wore off. The exciting elements no longer seemed to compensate for the things I missed about home. I started to become bitter, resentful, homesick, and depressed. I don’t really blame my husband or his country – Saudi Arabia is Saudi Arabia and the culture will always be the same. So I’ve just had to buckle up and accept things as they are. It would have been nice if my husband’s family had understood a little bit better what I was going through; but, in all honesty, nobody knows what you go through unless they’ve lived far away from home for an extended period of time themselves.
I was incredibly lonely, as well, in the beginning. Meeting others who were going through the same things as I or who could even speak English was a huge challenge. Alhamdullilah, all has changed for the better.
But isn’t it funny how the homesickness works both ways. What I mean is . . . we get excited to visit our family and friends back home; but as they attend to their daily lives and you realize they don’t really care about your photos or stories about life in Saudi, things can get a little depressing. After a period of time in the States, I always feel a desire to return to Saudi.
So how have I coped? Well . . . I’ve tried to learn the language to the best of my ability. I try to focus on the positives. I keep active. I keep in touch with my family at home and try not to dwell on the negative aspects of life here in Saudi. I try not to isolate myself. I’ve stopped putting pressure on myself to fit in. I’ve realized I don’t need to change everything about myself to fit in. I don’t need to give up my identity or culture. I just need to be myself and not live up to everyone else’s expectations. I know I was trying to adjust or change too many things all at once, and I had to slow down.
Not being able to cope with living in a foreign country can be a crippling blow to one’s self-esteem. It can also ruin one’s family life.
I’ve read that most people go through three phases of adjustment. The first phase is elation and optimism, followed by frustration, depression and confusion, and finally adjustment to the new culture. How long each phase takes varies from person to person. Perhaps some of us never reach the third phase.
I went through periods of time where I became stubborn . . . didn’t want to try and learn the language anymore, didn’t want to play along with the norm, etc. Why? Because I was afraid of losing my own culture and identity. It took a while, but I finally realized that adjusting to a new culture wasn’t going to detract from my own personality. To be flexible was to be strong.
Filed under: Interview, Saudi Living, Saudi culture, Women Issues, relationships
Thank you for this post. Sometimes a person must be courageous in identifying the dynamics underlying culture shock, depression, and adjustment difficulties.
This courageous woman has cut to the heart of the matter, and admitted unflinchingly how homesick a Western woman can feel in Saudia, even if she is the wife of a Saudi man.
I salute her commitment to her self, family, and culture (both of them). Maybe this post will spark an honest venture into the subject of Saudi women and post-partum depression. Some of them most surely get it- – it’s determined physiologically.
What I saw in Yemen among the native women was listlessness; overeating; sleeping sometimes 14 hours at a turn; complaints of headaches and non-stop pain everywhere- with sudden spurts of wanting to flee the houses they lived in- in Yemen seclusion and isolation is higher than what I have read about in KSA…
These women don’t have drivers to take them shopping (a good excuse as any to take in some air, sun)- and its mostly the men who do the shopping…
The illiteracy level also compunds the issue- and they are tagged majnunah…
I hated being in the city…I prefered the mountains because you were freer to move around and even behind 14 walls there were open courtyards that gave you that sense of freedom… I remember once being in Sana’a for a month and if it wasn’t because my husband was also claustrophobic- I know I would have been climbing the walls… Everyday we left the house were we were staying so we could just ride aimlessly around taking in the sun; wind; music to picnic on a hill side…
There is a comercial here that asks, “where does depression hurt?” The answer…everywhere…
It takes courage and support to get through it…but it must be acknowledged, accepted, and one must be willing to help and not deny its existance…
I loved this post.
One doesn’t have to be married to be a Saudi and be submerged in Saudi culture in order to feel any of the above. I think it rings true for anyone who moves to this region.
Again, great post.
A wonderful post! Such a courageous, articulate and accurate expression of culture shock, immigration and depression; and, the positive coping strategies.
To address some of the points raised and add a couple of my own:
All depressions are to varying degrees biologically mediated; even when there are clear social triggers the biology eventually takes over and sets in. Major challenges to one’s sense of self and competency such as immigration and culture shock are known precipitants. Postpartum depression ( any depression that starts within one year postpartum) has additional biological risk factors (hormones, fatigue, etc.) , and coupled with isolation , poor social supports, and/or disappointment with oneself (not able to breast feed easily, not overwhelmed by love for the newborn, insecurity about parenting skills, etc.) can become very crippling.
Women with a previous history of mood disorder, or family history of mood disorder, including postpartum depression (their own or a family member) are at increased risk and the risk increases with each pregnancy (one friend who is a psychiatrist and suffered from career halting PPD with each pregnancy stopped her family at 2 children for this reason).
Having a supportive spouse, family, and friends are key to early identification, intervention and successful resolution. While this woman benefitted from a supportive spouse and early steps to resolve the beginning stages, the need for professional help, including antidepressants is no shame. Professional help is available from academic centres, if no where else. Creating meet-ups and mothers groups also helps with prevention and supportive treatment. Self-care, as this woman demonstrated is crucial (rest, exercise, time for own interests, needs, eliminating unsupportive people from one’s social life). And with treatment the prognosis is excellent (though recurrence a possibility). Brooke Shields, and Valerie Plame are recent public examples with books out.
Postpartum psychiatric illness (depression, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, psychosis) is as universal as pregnancy although it is identified and dealt with differently across cultures:
books.google.ca/books?isbn=0880489294 ; and
http://www.springerlink.com/content/w0308300730235k7
Traditional cultures provide alot of preventive measures in the form of supports for the mother–40 days of rest, help from the family, grandmothers raising the first children, multiple other mothers available for advice, respite, valorization of the mother role, etc. Or at least they are supposed to. The cross cultural psychiatric literature is full of studies of women in traditional natalistic cultures who describe the lack of support they were supposed to receive traditionally. And, biology probably plays a bigger role.
Not only do Arab and Saudi women suffer from PPD but also in its most severe (and rare) form, psychosis:
http://bjp.rcpsych.org/cgi/content/abstract/157/3/427;
http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/j.1600-0447.1991.tb03185.x
As for culture shock and depression it is very common in varying degrees and the keys again are social engagement, acculturation, support , and professional help where necessary. The shock of the culture is greatest where there is the greatest cultural distance but this could be view as a mixed blessing in that it is more easily identifiable (Americans moving to Canada have culture shock sneak up on them since the cultures “look the same”; an American VIP was warned about this in his company’s pre-posting prep).
This woman describes very well two phenomena which oftened aren’t addressed: 1) lingering feelings of failure for not coping better, whereas one could argue that being aware enough to identify the problem and deal with it are the true strengths; 2) fear that acculturating will result in lost of self or abandonment of one’s culture of origin whereas it will enhance wellbeing, and create a new sense of self and culture. Also recent studies in acculturation show it is the strength of the link rather than the number of cultures that is important; and advanced preparation and gradual acculturation help (not always possible, unfortunately and not a sure fire preventive).
Inal’s posting emphasizes very well geographical and architectural space as contributing to a sense of disorientation and malaise (among all her other excellent points). Definitely a factor in moving from one geography to another or to very different urban settings, eg. Hong Kong is not only densely populated but unusually verticle–sky scrapers, mountains etc.
The poster’s “geographical cure” (as one of my patients describes it) can be highly effective and in some cases is the only remedy. It is in the infant’s best interest to have an undepressed mother whatever that takes, as long as the infant is well cared for by loving, consistient caregivers (grandmother, aunt, older sister–in one case I know of personally, older brothers).
Which brings me to my last point, and biggest annoyance–breastfeeding propaganda that guilts women into depression, and discourages them from taking antidepressants when necessary, even though certain ones are proven safe in pregnancy and during breastfeeding. The bottlefed infant of an undepressed mother is much better off than the breastfed infant of a depressed mother. Breast is best, unless it’s not.
Great post and comments from all!
Thanks for this post. I’ve been depressed in the past (different situation), and I know it can be so very hard to pull yourself out of it, especially when there isn’t any suppport (i.e. Saudi women don’t get PPD). It felt honest and sincere. I just would have one question…why wait 4 years to go back to the states to visit your family? I seem to read a lot of that with the western women married to Saudi men. I’m not asking this judgmentally…I’m trying to get an understanding of why they’re not visiting more often. I can’t even imagine being here for several years without going home to see my family…my mother especially. For myself…I know I will be in the states at least 3 times this year…and that is what will get me though those days in which I’m feeling like I need to be around “my own kind”; and “my own familiarities”; and of course…just the ability to be able to relax (kinda like, waiting to exhale) once you get off the plane in the US would seem to go a long way in helping with the depression.
Having been in Saudi now for a little over a year, I am finding myself in the “frustrated” stage. I don’t think I am depressed yet, but it could happen. The lifestyle here is so different and so stifling for any western woman. Most of our freedoms are stripped away and we must rely on our husbands for almost everything, especially if we don’t have a driver at our disposal. Having been an independent woman all my life, the adjustment is not that easy, but I do try to be as flexible and understanding as I can. But then there are just so many things here that just do not make sense and there are no good reasons or answers, compounding the problem even further. Living here is not for everyone, that’s for sure.
Susie of Arabia–I am sure you know best about yourself but in general the first six months are the hardest , then the first year and most major transitions take a full two years. The more engaged one is in the meantime the better. Adjustment issues can resurface at any time, but often around the 5 year mark, when one feels settled in, but that one has settled, and 15 year mark when a life review makes the home culture seem more desirable. In short, although it is tough, and Saudi has added unusual
adjustments, I’m hoping your next year will be easier and that you will find islands of independance. All the best.
Chiara
PS I blurk on your excellent blogs!
Susie, I agree with Chiara’s comment. I remember my first two years — exciting, scary, and frustrating. At the end of my first two-year contract, I could have gone home, but I said to myself, “Why go home now? I’ve just gotten used to the place!”
My earlier comments were based on research, but my personal experiences of reverse acculturation followed the pattern of six months to two years. The very first month I was excited, then I woke up one morning and thought “That was nice, and now I’m ready to go home” Oops, I was home. After some futile thoughts of how to go back, I continued along (fortunately I was fully and obligatorily engaged); then after six months I woke up again one morning and thought “This is the worst decision of my life”. I was saved from depression by a lecture by a cross-cultural psychiatrist on immigrant syndromes, and went down the checklist on his slide thinking “I’ve got that, I’ve got that, I’ve got that–it’s my home country but I’ve got immigration syndrome”. I developped a network of foreign friends and shared our common shock and laughs at Canadian culture, and had great times socially. I deliberately made myself join in on social activities with other Canadians, including the class baseball tournament–ugh, and I planned a trip “Home”. I thought by then, month 12, I had adjusted, but on arrival and during the whole time I felt such a feeling of lightness, and “homeness” that I knew I still needed to make further efforts. The one month of rest “home” from my country of origin was absolutely necessary to recharge the batteries, though. It didn’t hurt that it was spent on the French Riviera
!
PS the second year was better, especially with the support group (also in their second year) already in place. It also helped to focus on things core to my identity and make them happen.
PPS I have a longer comment awaiting moderation. I look forward to any comments on it–except the length
about which I am sorry, but it is a compelling topic and post 
Depression was my worst enemy the first years I was in Bahrain. I had no support from his family…and rarely from him. And to the questioner about how come some of us wait so long to visit our families…well I dont know about some women…but my situation was such that my husband refused to allow me to travel and see them…he kept my passport locked up and lectured me endlessly about the whole ‘haram” aspect of a female travelling alone…and without permission…what an f…ing hypocrite. Anyhow…I went many years at a stretch not seeing my family…almost 9 years at one point…and overseas calls to the states were prohibitively expensive in the past…and so phone calls were rare and far between. I was isolated…depressed…and had no where to go or turn to to make things better. My depression nearly got the better of me several times…but the thought of my kids left to his family to raised pulled me through every time…be sheer force of will and nothing more…my kids saved me…nothing else.
Many people think depression is just “being sad” feeling “lazy and listless”…but really…its a slow and steady murder of the soul…and coming back from near death…is no easy matter…no matter how it occurs.
I could have written this ladies post…and so much more.
Coolred, you are suchj a strong and amazing woman.
It’s nothing to do with me, I only lived in European countries but I can relate to depression being a slow murder of the soul. And being sapped of energy and every little thing becoming a major obstacle is part of it.
Bedu I find your illustrations very evocative and beautiful.
And depressing.
[...] January 3, 2009 at 4:37 pm (Uncategorized) Tags: Depression http://americanbedu.com/2009/01/03/a-foreign-wife-of-a-saudi-speaks-out-on-depression/ [...]
Coolred and Aafke, so true on a slow death of the soul…
Depression, however it manisfests itself, is hard to combat. In Yemen, publically, depression is discussed- one reads in the newspapers and hears it in conferences- but the causes or triggers, at least in Yemen, are only attributed to mostly economics; the social aspect is blamed on the status of the person-married or not- but the traditional aspects of the culture are rarely if ever scrutinised…
Like a woman -whatever her age- being locked up behind walls- sometimes to just her room- is not seen as a trigger… We are told she should be “happy” that she has a roof, clothes and food…
For me it was being able for moments in a day to sit in the sun; reading; knitting or writing- and not be able to do it because it was considered anti-social and it was just as depressing sometimes to have be the social butterfly when all I yearned was to shut my mouth and let my soul free to travel, imagine, and even resolve itself in a book or my writings…
The inability to be what you need to be at, or in the moment is one of those soul killing things.
Definitely a great post Bedu, thanks
I’ve so enjoyed all the comments! Now let me add a few of my own based on what I’ve read from ya’ll.
In regards to “Saudi women don’t get PPD” I think they do but ignore it. Their conditions and circumstances – late nights, lethargy, eating too much, not eating right – are perceived as “normal” to them so they do not realize these can also be symbolic of depression.
And why do some women wait before returning to the States? Coolred touched on some of the valid reasons – any woman married to a Saudi requires permission to travel out and some husband’s do not give it or just do not want their wife traveling on her own. For others it can be economics. I’ve not been back to the US for 3 years now but hope to go this summer.
I also strongly believe that particularly for Saudi Arabia there is a delayed culture shock. When one first arrives from the West, everything is new, different, exotic and therefore exciting. But, as Susie said, after a period of time the honeymoon phase is over and one then realizes what is not available and missed. It is easy at that point for one to fall into a deep depression if not careful and cognizant of the signs to watch for. That’s why the strong support network is so essential.
The best way for expats to ‘live’ here is to move in. Many of us live from vacation to vacation and don’t ‘dig in’ so to speak and put down roots. My friend gave the advice today for another gal to plant a tree in her yard and stop living for the day when she could do this or that somewhere else. I think that’s good advice. It’s fine to look ahead to visiting the family back home, but in the meantime, one needs to try to enjoy the moment or they will find life just passing them by.
Excellent comments!
Delayed culture shock can happen anywhere, although I respect that Saudi culture may be particularly conducive to the same. One expat in Hong Kong said her first realization of her culture shock was after a holiday to a third country and realizing she was going “home” to Hong Kong.
I think there is a difference between an expat posting that is rather short (1 yr) and longer ones ( 2-5) and an immigration. The shorter ones allow one to stay in novelty foreigner mode and to envisage the end, while the longer ones may be more likely to involve depression. Expats who are frequently rotated develop coping skills, including rapid socialization, transportable hobbies, exploration, and not becoming overly attached. Immigration involves other dynamics and requires that one become more engaged with the mainstream society, making difficulties in doing so more problematic.
Being “the trailing spouse” is always more difficult, and particularly where women are prevented from so many activities. Being the foreign wife in the husband’s culture has particular challenges, and relationships with inlaws, the main culture, and the spouse are even more important than in marriage in general.
The poor lifestyle habits of Saudi women are more indicative of dysthymia or chronic depression or even normalized poor lifestyle choices (or lack of other choices). Since mental illness is so stigmatized, it is rarely acknowledged in many traditional cultures, including Arab, and somatization disorders are more likely than depression as we know it, and more likely to be dealt with by non mental health professionals. PPD is most likely treated by increased family support and help and socializing, which can work but not for more moderate-severe forms and usually falls apart if there is psychosis. It definitely exists among Saudis and is treated professionally as I referenced above.
A slow killing of the soul (gr. psyche) is indeed the essence of depression.
A strong support system gives you enough socialization to be able to knit and read alone and in peace, which can be seen as anti-social activities in Arab culture (esp. among women).
I know there is stigma and finances may play a role, but I cannot emphasize enough the importance of getting professional help where it is available; sometimes the professionals are the only ones who acknowledge and understand; and treatment can shorten the time of the depressive episonde. The more lacking one is in social supports the more necessary this might be, at least initially. Re: family attitudes, if they are negative, patients (including Arab Muslim ones) tell me they don’t tell that they are seeing someone, or say they have regular appts with a “dermatologist”, physiotherapist, whatever is acceptable to the family/husband and fits enough with their symptoms to have some “truth” to it.
At the other end of the spectrum the more moments of joy, and the more motivations to continue to move forward in your life the better.
Coolred, you are very strong, but it is sad you had to suffer so long. A truly impossible marital situation.
Very interesting post and comments. I think that the depression issues associated with being a ‘trailing spouse’ are not unique to Saudi Arabia but the particular customs of Saudi society may exacerbate feelings of isolation in Western women. The usual avenues for improving one’s feeling of connection – taking a class, volunteer work, hobbies – may be less available in Saudi Arabia than in the West.
I have been the ‘trailing spouse’ on more than one occasion and am pretty realistic about the challenges involved. It is not a small thing to move from the west of Ireland to the United States. It helped enormously that the people that I encountered were, without exception, welcoming and kind. Over the years, the comments on my Irish brogue have become fewer here in the US while the remarks of my family in Ireland on my American twang (which is how Irish people refer to an American accent) have become more frequent. Almost imperceptibly, I have put down roots here that it will be difficult to uproot. I am sad at the thought of doing so.
Having said that, I am excited at the thought of our new adventure in KSA. I hope that by learning as much as I can beforehand and by having realistic expectations, that I will be able to avoid as many of the pitfalls as possible. It helps that my spouse is supportive and aware. Other than that, life has taught my husband and myself to be flexible and to roll with the punches. Our fervent hope is that we can learn about and appreciate Saudi culture and to develop the fondness for it that we have for our current adopted country. Our previous experience has taught us that it takes time and patience and, most of all, a sense of humor.
Irisheyes–it sounds to me as if you have done your preventive homework, and “time and patience and, most of all, a sense of humor” are extremely important. I am sure the Saudi experts here will be able to be more specific.
I should have specified in my previous comments that treatment includes shortterm psychotherapy +/- medication; and many a person has hidden behind the less stigmatizing terms of counselling, guidance, advice or medication for insomnia, cardiac palpitations, etc. (think Jacqueline Kennedy, Jehan Sadat, Bill Clinton, etc).
Hello, everyone, I usually just lurk, but… I was moved to my very soul by this post. I am saudi and here to tell you depression is a fact of life for women in KSA, and there is little tolerance for mental health help in a country where religion supposedly cures all. If you read novels by arab women (hard to find) you will find depression to be rampant. I recommend novels by Hanan al-Shaykh (especially Women of Sand & Myrrh). Sorry middle east friends these novels are impossible to find in KSA for obvious reasons.
I have read these blogs and cannot imagine AB and others attempts to live in saudi. Believe me when i say there is no life for women other than giving birth, shopping, cleaning, raising children (if she has no help) and entertaining relatives. Driving is the least of it. Blessings to all.
Mariam– I really enjoyed your comment and look forward to investigating your recommended readings.
I understand from contact with other Arab cultures how little tolerance there is for mental health issues, and that the belief is that religion will cure all; for this reason some Arab muslims I know read books of pastoral counselling or religious guidance which contain alot of social work ideas. They are not Saudi however and have access to these books. For the same reason, many families only seek treatment when a family member becomes psychotic and too violent for the male family members to handle. I also know that psychiatric health care is available and the problem would be to get access to it–inspite of family.
Again probably more of a problem in Saudi, except perhaps for foreigners. Many, including Saudis, go outside their country for treatment, and continue the medication while at home (wasn’t there a recent scandal in Saudi about a foreign physician being imprisoned for treating a princess with psychotropic medication?)
Once again, I enjoyed your comment very much.
Miriam Mac…good advice. After reading it…I started thinking…I’ve been here 6 days now…yet I’m counting down to when I go on vacation at the end of the month, or when I go back to the states for a few months in March, same for July/August, and November. I’m going to work on this.
Also, unlike western women married to Saudi’s; most expats are here for one reason only; to make tax free money, save for retirement, and get the heck up out. So…I wonder if that lends itself as to why some don’t just “move it”; since we know we’re eventually leaving (whether it’s in 2, 5 or 10 years). I tell you…this transtition…this experience..is like nothing I’ve ever experienced in my life…and I’m only 6 days in. I’m viewing Culture Shock as a 3 Act Play. I’m slipping from Act 1 into Act 2 quicker than I thought. So..hopefully I won’t stay there too long. But…I swear…I’m irritated damn near every other day. Thank goodness I don’t eat when I’m irritated (or depressed). At least I can turn it into a weight loss opportunity). LOL
I wrote the following on “Culture Shock” back in October 08:
Culture shock is a state of disorientation and frustration that results from entering a new culture where people’s fundamental values, beliefs, and ways of doing things are different from your own. Symptoms may include irritability, anxiety, excessive sleeping or reading, depression, increasing isolation, compulsive eating or drinking, resentment or bitterness, feelings of helplessness, and physical problems such as headaches, insomnia, and sickness.
Act 1: “The Honeymoon” period, during which everything new seems interesting and exciting.
Act 2: An increasing sense of disorientation, as deeper, more fundamental differences surface. This is the stage where many people become depressed and may be prone to stereotyping or venting about the host culture.
Act 3: As individuals learn how to survive in their new environment and develop coping mechanisms, their level of comfort and confidence will usually increase.
I so enjoy all the comments and hope they do continue.
First, for those who are in Riyadh I know of an excellent psychologist, a British national (female) who has been practicing here 17 years. And of course, she is an expert on depression and coping. If anyone needs her information, email me privately (admin(at symbol)americanbedu.com
I am thankful I had a diplomatic career before coming to Saudi which helped me immensely in coping. Also, I came here with the mindset that this was home now; that for me this was basically an immigration and not a long term tenure. As a result, it provide me more impetus to settle in and MAKE IT HOME. I think this is very critical for any Saudi wife.
Irish – Please tell me where in KSA you are coming to and I’d be happy to facilitate however I can in putting you in touch with others.
Mariam: welcome, welcome and thank you for not blurking any longer! It is very beneficial for me (and everyone else) to hear the views of Saudi women so we can help each other and understand each other.
And of course Chiara, do not stop your comments. They always add so much value and helpful information to everyone!
BCIS: too bad you are in the EP. Please do let me know if you make it to Riyadh….which you should sometime at least for a chance of pace…make a Riyadh weekend. I’ll be happy to give you suggested places to go, things to see, especially as it is an easy drive from the EP to Riyadh.
wow this is honestly a great post and everyone else’s comments are so great! i wouldve loved this blog when i was in grade10! I lived most of my life in Canada and I had to move to Saudi Arabia in gr10, i know there is a differece because I was younger but honestly living in Canada and having the freedom to do so much then all of the sudden I move to a country wherei cant go out alone or even go to the variety store to pick up something was extremely difficult.
I think at the begining anyone moving to S.A especaily riyadh, they will diff feel home sick and depressed cuz everything is sooo different by time you’ll learn how to make the most of it. Especialy when you make friends and start going out and exploring riyadh. I moved back the year after to cananda and now I visit riyadh every summer to renew my visa and i honestly look forward to it! (shopping shoppinh shopping! lool) i think in order to survive in riyadh you need friends, or family, or fsort of way to meet new ppl for example if you like working out you can join a gym. social life in ksa is not really out there so YOUwill have to search for it . I think that’s the hardest part.
Heba – are you Saudi? And I can only imagine what it must have been like to move to Saudi Arabia in high school and as a young teenager after living in a free and open environment!
I really liked mariam’s comment as I have seen it both amongst females and males from KSA….Of course it happens all over the world,,,but I did notice that stuff like sleeping pills and antidepressants, do roam around more that I would have thought….Anyhow, regarding being from a different culture and living here with your husband and having to deal with lots of responsibilities and postpartum depression, which sometimes can last long, is really a very difficult situation…Even if the woman cannot travel at the time, her family should be encouraged to visit and stay with her…That is very normal in KSA households, i.e. the woman staying with her family after her pregnancy until she feels up to it…..or even taking a break times and going to her family to uplift her mood….( I might be wrong, but I have seen it a lot among locals)
You’re right Gigi… I know of so many Saudi women who will just up and take an extended break or vacation with their family leaving the husband home alone.
[Unbelievable-- the third time I am typing these comments--the first time the computer cable system cut out as I was clicking submit (stayed out for 8 hrs for miles/kilometres around); and the second, they were erased because I forgot to identify myself. Here we go again!
]
American Bedu–Thank you for the very kind words. They are much appreciated.
BCIS–Your comments on culture shock are very insightful. I am not sure whether you will see it as a positive or a negative but based on your comments and a brief look at your current blog posts I think you are still in Act I–albeit a negative one (frustration and anger are energizing, at least in the short term). Act II is more likely to happen once the abaya novelty has worn off, you are settled in your home wondering what to do next, and then you become more engaged in society and discover more profound differences (what constitutes friendship, what constitutes honesty, appropriate workplace behaviours, etc.). You seem to have done an excellent job on your preparation (prologue)!
To extend the play metaphor one’s play can be a comedy or a tragedy based on the ending. One must focus on the ending because there will inevitably be dramatic conflicts along the way, and one may need magic friends, activities and potions to help move forward.
Heba–excellent comments on the challenges particularly for teenagers, or returning teenagers; and great suggestions for positive coping strategies.
Gigigirl–wonderful suggestion to bring the family to the foreigner. It would be supportive and help them empathize with their family members cultural challenges.
A great topic and comments by all!
[Now for the moment of truth, will clicking on submit cause a cable outage in vast neighbourhoods? Will my own words merely be destroyed? I tremble but am courageous !
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This post and its comments are wonderful! It’s nice to get so much information – and confirm my own belief that depression can affect anyone anywhere.
I’ve definitely seen a few other expats here in Dubai – where there are plenty of things to see and do independently, creature comforts, and reminders of one’s home country – show signs of depression and culture shock.
I’m here “30 comments” late, but not for a day.
I’m here because the disease seems to run in the family.
I’m here because of something I discovered today, and these comments shriveled my heart with all the wrong reasons.
I think my little brother is “symptomatic”, and I don’t know how to get him out of there: the country and the “swing”.
For what it’s worth, this has been a very helpful conversation. On a number of levels. Thank you.
Family history is an important factor in predisposition to depression, although not all family members will suffer, and not all to the same degree.
Depression is highly treatable and need not ever return. Having one depression helps to know how to prevent future ones, and lets one recognize one’s own symptoms and get relief including professional help earlier.
With little information to go on, I would just say to approach your brother gently, nonjudgmentally, and find ways to alleviate the symptoms (get him more involved socially, involve his friends, other family, distribute some of his streses, make sure he has lots of “happy mail”, happy phone calls, exercise, sports outlets, joins hobby groups, takes a fun class, gets good sleep and good nutrition, etc.).
You can do this without saying alot about why. I once did this for a friend who didn’t seem to bounce back normally when a job promotion didn’t materialize. Just convinced him to look for another job and encouraged his confidence in his abilities–and then by coincidence found the job ad and helped him to apply to the new job which resolved his feeling down (he wasn’t clinically depressed but definitely not his normal self). In the meantime I kept an eye on him and was more sociable with him than usual. Also for a female friend, found excuses to call more often, and reasons to get her out of the house more often.
If the country is a problem, a vacation or a visit to family elsewhere would be a start and a help to identify what the stressors are and how depressed he is (eg. whether he perks up when outside the country, away from normal stressors or not). If he needs a work excuse, some claim family needs them elsewhere. Going to a place he likes with people he likes would be important, obviously. He might feel more comfortable seeking an evaluation elsewhere.
Or bring family and friends from home to him (one of my friends who was being psychologically abused and physically exhausted in a surgery rotation had her mother move in from out of town for 6 months to take care of her, the apartment, the laundry, the cooking, and her morale every night–unusual in her culture).
If you think he needs professional help suggest it gently and caringly and have the name(s) of a professional ready. A good non-stigmatizing place to start is a good family doctor or general practitioner, to see about being tired, no energy, no appetite (whatever physical non-stigmatizing symptoms). This is also important as many physical illnesses mimic, exacerbate, or cause depressive symptoms (anemia, low blood pressure, hyphthyroid, fatigue especially chronic eg. from working double shifts, low grade infection, etc.) . Stress, and grief reactions–loss of a relationship, job,activity, identity, home, culture etc. also look like depression but aren’t (although some of the treatment is the same). A good family doctor/gp should be able to diagnose, start treatment and refer appropriately. In some countries the internal medicine specialists serve this role.
I emphasize gently because most don’t like being diagnosed, or overdiagnosed or forced into treatment, although they appreciate in the end (sometimes without acknowledging it).
If your family history includes suicidality (thought about seriously, tried or completed), or bipolarity (manic-depression) or alcoholism/drug abuse (depressive behaviour of choice for alot of men; and increases risk of suicidality) act more assertively. Just for completeness sake on my part, in the case of active suicidality (thinking seriously, planning, intention, or attempt–pills that didn’t work, cutting) insist he see a professional.
Employee assistance programs are also good and confidential and often refer to private practitioners. Counselling centres associated with religious organizations (his religion or someone else’s) and community groups are also good at assisting and referring. Colleges and universities have student counselling and health facilities, or a Dean of Students to help with this (so do some elite high schools). Faculties of Medicine have general practice clinics, internal medicine clinics, and psychiatry clinics (in almost all countries).
Friends with training in health care and mental health can also help steer him in the right direction.
Getting someone permanently out of a country may be a necessary step eventually, although the more well he is before changing countries the easier it will be. A leave of absence, medical–again if he as concurrent non-stigmatizing medical as well as psychiatric illness this is good), or social (family member in need) could be possible for work or school. Think longer term leaves (eg. one semester, 6 months) to give time for treatment, positive activities elsewhere, new school, new job part-time or permanent), and full recovery. Whether one goes back or not is a different question. One should plan for positive, socially engaged activities during the time off or it will be worse (nothing to do but be depressed). I have had students take a semester off, or spend one in another more fun faculty taking interest courses, or take a course at home overseas. Set it up for success.
Again these are general suggestions. Good luck to you and your brother both!
PS Self-care–yours and his are very, very important.
I can definitely see how depression can set in here. And not just with the housewives. As a single female we’re often relegated to women’s only accomodations with guards at the gate who act as though a 37 year old doctor doesn’t have the right to live without their rules.
What makes it worse is talking to new “friends” about it and getting comments about how “it’s not that bad” “your situation isn’t as bad as mine” or “I don’t feel sorry for you..look at his/her situation”. As though your own personal nightmare has no value. When I hear comments like this its always from someone *usually a man* who lives in mixed housing, in a large villa, with better facilities, who has a car, and a girlfriend and more freedom. These people have no concept of what it’s like to come here as a woman, completely alone, not necessarily interested in ‘hooking up’ with a man right away just to have company, not allowed to drive, and shoved into a single gender cell block where you’re not even allowed to have a get together with all your friends unless they happen to be women.
Depressing doesn’t even cover it. After growing up with relative freedom of movement, it’s like being locked in your own body to know that if you want to be at a party, or make dinner for a group, or visit with your male friends..you have to do it at Their place, a Their convenience, and still be home by curfew.
I’d rather sleep til noon, eat, and go back to sleep than be forced to go out and scrounge up a social network simply to be “allowed” to have a decent life.
Yep. I just figured it out. I’m depressed. lol
am a new yorker in dubai on month 5 … i just started getting mood swings between tolerating being here to depression. its awful. i am so miserable sometimes.
i know its situational tho, and i count the days til i go home.
however, i do like dubai, but i have no friends or familiarity here like i do w/ NYC. i’d love living and working in dubai, but i need to be able to go home to NYC every 2 or 3 months.
Hning – I am glad you found this post. I can recommend an excellent counselor in Riyadh if you wish to consider even speaking with her on how you can assist your brother.
All – thank you for the continued excellent comments. Please do keep them coming as I think many readers are finding support, confirmation and encouragement.
One of the worst things about feeling depressed is everybody reminding you you could have so much worse a life, How other people suffer so much more than you. Ergo: you don’t have the right to suffer, you are a bad person for suffering and/or feeling depressed.
Makes me feel more depressed….
Hning–American Bedu’s suggestion is excellent!
Andrea– a great description and a cautionary tale for single professional women; I hope you decide to scrounge a social network–or at least put yourself on morning rounds/duty to get up and out
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Jeane and Betty–the beginning of a expat-bloggers-based-in-Dubai social club?
Betty–alot of expats take parttime work or volunteer work that lets them plan for frequent vacations home; many describe not feeling comfortable until they have some purposeful activity outside the home–usually after they have hit the six-month wall (house established, kids settled, shopped out). Many taken lesser positions in their own previous field to accomplish this, or start a small business based on hobbies, or freelance, etc. Have you discovered the Dubai YMCA–looks like it is just starting, family oriented, and needs ideas, volunteers and staff. I thought of it because the Y in Hong Kong has an English services department that caters to new comers with special programs, and has all the usual Y activities in English as well as Chinese. How about the Dubai USO–if you have a military friend, or maybe want to volunteer there–looks like they have excellent family oriented programs (found them on the way to YMCA)
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Jeane and Aafke–although usually well-intended, comments like “buck up” “you do not have it so bad” , “x has it worse” are most often unwelcome and often inappropriate. That said it does work for some, and focussing on your own positives and building on them does help (while getting that depression attended to
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Great topic, and comments by all!
I almost cried while reading her words ,,I felt she was talking about me and what I’ve been through exactly in every single word she said
I had the same experience when I moved with my husband from Saudi Arabia*Riyadh* to the United Kingdom,,
couldn’t cope with the culture or any thing else for that matters
but just like what she said ,, don’t lose you’re Identity ,, be flexible and strong
Correction: comment above to Jeane and Aafke should have been to Andrea and Aafke;
To all who immigrated:
A French friend of mine followed her husband to Morocco, and after a rough start and a number of years was voted “Moroccan woman of the year” in her professional category. She adapted by initially socializing with other new graduates recently arrived/ returned from France; and finding a job in a French milieu (where she got alot of adjustment advice). She gradually moved more mainstream. She spent all her vacation time in France for the first few years, but realized she needed to change her attitude and behaviours to make her life more bearable al Maghrib. For example, she stopped worrying about difficult to find parking spots, and just gave the tickets to her well-connected BIL; she stopped arguing with the ILs about her 3-year-olds hems and just let the Moroccan nanny dress her daughter whom she sent to French creche and schools. The nanny was French speaking, came full days but lived out ie. French style. She used her ILs wasta to advance her career and make life easier; and, she had a more established expat friend helping her along. She made her career in the socially acceptable mothers and children field with a foreign NGO–easier to be the cultural liaison. Overall a highly successful transition! (even though at on point near the beginning she only stayed and stayed married because she feared her ILs woul d make sure they got her daughter).
Dubai people: Riding for the Disabled Dubai–a non-profit horse riding school for the disabled that uses alot of volunteers (no horse experience necessary– they teach you). I know other expats who really enjoyed doing this.
Chiara
hmmm-should move to Dubai? Naw–just spent too much time at Aafke’s blog
Hning–I understand from your blog you are in Jakarta–there are many facilities there that you could access to get ideas about help for your brother, or if your family is Riyadh you could follow up with American Bedu’s contact.
[...] the whole “expat life” thing. I was quite moved by a recent post on this site, however, “A foreign wife of a Saudi speaks out on depression” because it felt like it did actually capture so much of the general (as opposed to the [...]
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I can’t even begin to describe the outbursts of tears and frustration – despite having lived here before and knowing what to expect, I’ve completely shut down this time around. My loving husband understands and is supportive but I’m not so sure he can possible grasp the weight of the this depression – how can he know what it is like to be a woman in this country? I feel that my soul once so vibrant and full of life is dying before my eyes and though I know what is wrong, and I know what to do – putting that knowledge into action is just too much. I’m giving up. I just can’t do this. I want to go home.
Lisa,
If you are in Riyadh and need someone to talk to (such as a professional Western counselor) please email me (admin@americanbedu.com) and I would be happy to put you in touch.
My advice is not to hold the frustrations in which can only make them magnified and thankfully your husband is loving and supportive.
Bear in mind that for those from Western cultures, we are also just coming out of the prime holiday season when extended families gather and it is very normal to feel immense depression if away from those loved ones at the time.
Wishing you all the best – Carol