I decided as October comes to a close I’d end the month by asking you what do you want to know about American Bedu and how I blog. I have found that by analyzing the traffic to my blog, it always increases when I have posted an interview with a fellow blogger or someone else who has a connection with Saudi Arabia. Therefore in fairness, I thought I should give you your chance to ask some questions since the traffic analysis illustrates to me that interviews are of interest to you.
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I hope it does not offend you. But, I just want to know a little bit about your conversion to Islam. If not, how can you manage your marriage, I mean to a Muslim and Saudi at the same time.
?
And, do you have children, tell me about them.
I know it is none of my business, but you asked us to ask
Welcome Silence!
No offense taken at all. I normally do not speak about me personally per se in that regards but since you asked… I was actually a muslim prior to marriage to my Saudi husband. I was initially raised Catholic but even at a young age had my own internal differences with the Catholic church and Catholicism. I had Christian neighbors who attended a Protestant church and therefore was able to accompany them sometimes and experienced Sunday school and the distinctions in services. So one day I happened to ask the nuns at the Catholic church why we as Catholics could not talk directly to God like the Protestant church when asking for forgiveness instead of “confessing” to a Priest. Well, she rapped my hands and replied “Don’t ask silly questions. It’s because that’s the way it is.” Right then I started distancing myself from the Catholic church. The real break however occurred after my divorce from my first marriage. I was able to continue to attend Catholic services and of course the church wanted my tithe (zakat) but for all other intents and purposes I was “excommunicated” by the church for being divorced. That is when I began my quest in earnest for another faith which felt like the right one to me. I take faith seriously so did not quickly “choose” another religion to practice. I studied many which included reading, asking questions, attending services. I found myself getting drawn back to Islam. So by that time I specifically chose to take a diplomatic posting to a muslim country. By this time I already knew many muslims but I wanted to view and see how Islam was practiced in a muslim country and if any distinctions between “naturally born” muslims or converted muslims. I may not agree 100 per cent with all aspects of Islam but I have found it is the right choice for me. And in regards to children, if you view a post I wrote about 10 days ago you will learn that I recently became a very proud grandmother!
Now in regards to managing a marriage, just because my husband is Saudi and a muslim it does not mean that I would have had to converted (if I had not been muslim). But “managing” a marriage has many of the same components regardless of faith or nationality. It is essential to have the ability to communicate well and of course have common values, ethics and goals in life.
I hope I have answered your questions sufficiently!
Thank you, you did.
I usually visit ”about” page when I enter a blog. That’s why I asked these Qs. Because I did not find enogh answers for my queries
. I know they are personal Qs, but as a frequent visitor to your blog, I wanted to know about the ”conversion” because I always read and see a lot of stories in regard.
So, thanks again.
if you dont mind me asking, how do you manage the cultural differences between your family (and your own) and your husband’s family?
sometimes i think its my duty to try to reach out for women of other ethnicity and close more cultural gaps in this world. but i feel like that would be unwise due to extreme differences in culture that other people might face. its like opening a can of hurt for both. lets face it, in saudi, you dont just get married to that person, but to the whole family. it scares me. what are your thoughts about that?
Glad to know you are a frequent visitor to my blog and no longer just “blurking” but participating with comments as well.
You are welcome!
Abdullah Hamad you are so correct in that marrying a Saudi you do not just simply marry the man but the extended family as well!
There certainly have been some cultural differences and mainly in the way we perceive or do things. We resolve them through communication. One of the biggest adjustments for me as a westerner are the lifestyles and habits of Saudi females which are much different than mine such as the Saudi perspective if entertaining a guest is expected to try whatever is put in front of them and a Saudi will not take no for an answer. I’m very health conscious and initially not wanting one to take offense would find myself overeating stuff I did not want and now I’m very comfortable in either declining firmly or accepting but not eating. In my view the typical lifestyle of a Saudi woman does not permit enough physical activity for fitness so it is important to watch carefully when and what one eats!
Initially when I arrived in KSA I wanted to be accepted by the extended family and therefore felt I had to “conform” to their practiced traditions and customs. However over time we’ve reached a middle ground where I respect those customs different from mine but retain my own individuality. I think it is important for a foreigner married to a Saudi man to be careful and not lose themselves, their personality or individuality.
If you also read an earlier post I wrote “A Continuing Love Story” it further addresses the challenges of culture and adapting in a bi-cultural relationship.
Here’s the link:
http://americanbedu.com/2007/11/05/a-continuing-love-story/
and if you click on my blog under the culture category you will find so many other posts I have written on the aspect of understanding and coexisting with the differences in culture.
[...] What do YOU want to Know about American Bedu or Saudi Arabia?I have found that by analyzing the traffic to my blog, it always increases when I have posted an interview with a fellow blogger or someone else who has a connection with Saudi Arabia. Therefore in fairness, I thought I should give you … [...]
Carol….Ive always wondered how after all your globetrotting to exciting and interesting places…how and why did you decide that it was time to settle down in Saudi…was it purely because its your husbands country…or is that something you yourself wanted to try out as well?
Thanks in advance
coolred38
Actually coolred it was viewed as a conflict of interest for me to retain my position as an American official while married to a Saudi national. Therefore I left the U.S. foreign service and started the next career while following and supporting my husband -wherever that would take us!
You are so adventurous! And brave! Your husband must be quite someone, he is defenitely very lucky.
I find it difficult to name what I want to know about Saudi Arabia, as every bit of new information is always such a surprise to me.
?
(keep ‘em coming)
Oh, yes: how to get a visum as a single, abandoned, fitnah-spreading, western female
My husband is indeed a character! (smile)
Well….in regards to your question on how to get a visa, it might be a little tough in the context which you requested but my philosophy is “never say never…”
I guess what I really want to know is: how do you manage to do all that you do? You work fulltime, you write your blog, your marriage, your home, your emails, your illness – I am in awe!!! And with it all, you maintain a grace and a calmness about you. How do you do it???
Awww Susie… I guess I’m just a hyperactive “purrson!”
Seriously I’m not that unusual from any woman who balances a marriage, career and hobbies!
Carol – do you have a muslim name? I always wondered
I agree with Susie; you are extraordinary! Not many women can “balance” all those endeavors, maintaining a high quality of all of them, and in the midst of a life-threatening illness.
I would like to know how you met your husband, how the relationship grew, and how you decided to marry him, knowing that marriage to a Saudi would be different, and maybe difficult. Did you visit Saudi Arabia before marriage? Did you meet his family?
Also, do you speak Arabic?
Well….I would guess Carol might have an Arabic name…but a Muslim name? Is there such a thing?
Riyadh Mom – No; I do not. My reason is very simple… I know that my mother and father (bless their souls) chose my name very carefully and with lots of love. Therefore out of respect to them and their memory, I retain and am known by the name they selected for me.
Marahm – You must also read the link which I cited earlier in comments for a “Continuing Love Story” as it tells our story. I was only in KSA for transit prior to marriage but had spent a large portion of my professional life in the region so my eyes were open on what to expect, plus I was not a recent graduate marrying and leaving home for the first time! (smile) And no, I did not get to meet or know his family until after our marriage given the differing locations. I can manage up to a point in Arabic but I am not fluent…yet.
coolred – oh yes, if you do a google search you will find a number of web sites with both male and female muslim names and their meanings.
Bedu,
There is one question I always wanted to ask you:
What do you think of the Princess Trilogy by author
Jean Sasson ? How realistic and common in KSA are the horrors described in these three books, i.e. foreigners
emprisonned as sex slaves in Saudi, daughters murdered
by their Saudi fathers for suspected sexual misbehaviour, forced marriages that completely violate the woman’s will (Sultana’s sister Sarah and also the daughter of Sultana’s brother Ali for instance), the so-called ‘women’s chamber’ (emprisonment of women in a dark windowless room for life
as punishment for ‘sins’ according to the Saudi mentality ) etc etc.
Have you ever personally heard of such things or would you
rather say that these event are extremely unique and isolated cases, brought together in these three books for sales purposes ?
Carol… Lots to ask
For know, what is the most thing, or things if you wish, that bothering you in Saudi Arabia?
North European Lady – the Princess trilogies (which I have read) are indeed over-exaggerated — grossly! I’m not saying that they do not include “smidgens” of truth in the stories or that traumatic incidents of abuse, marriage, sexual misconduct do not happen. Sure they do but not like Jean Sasson wants one to believe by reading her books. I’ve never heard of a women’s chamber (outside of the books). Marriages here may continue to be arranged but a vast majority of Saudi men and women have no objection to this…so it is not really our place (as outsiders) to judge or point fingers. I hope I have answered your question!
Abu Azoz – thanks for your question. What bothers me about Saudi Arabia….let’s see…the traffic and way people drive; attitude of other Saudis when they believe someone is a stranger and therefore their actions do not matter; expectation that westerners are more resilent and therefore less sensitive. You may have been expecting me to say not being able to drive but I actually do not mind that aspect!
Bedu,
I am marrying an American working in Saudi Arabia. I have yet to visit but an excited to do so sometime soon. What do you think is the most important thing I should know before going over?
Thank you for allowing these questions!
Welcome Diana and thanks for your question. My advise is to do your homework and read as much as you can about the country, culture, people, tradition and customs. It is more conservative and closed than just about any country in the world. That does not mean you will have a miserable time in Saudi Arabia only that “it’s not Kansas” and one must be adaptable. I think most important is to maintain a sense of equilibrium and a positive attitude. Go there with the goal of meeting and making like-minded friends who share your same values and enjoyments.
Know that life will not be quite the same as in the USA. Your routine and errands and outings will evolve around prayer times. As a woman you will be expected to dress conservatively in an abaya. It is prudent to have a headscarf available although not always required to wear if you do not choose. Also you should know that the media seem to capitalize on the negatives of Saudi Arabia and that there are indeed more positives about the Kingdom that do not get near enough attention. Saudis are overall generous and kind people. They want foreigners to have a positive impression of their country. There is much more than initially meets the eye in Saudi Arabia to see, explore and discover.
hi american bedu –
i’ve always wondered how a woman deals with the fact that her husband has another wife (or 2) and another set of kids w/ this other person.
i’ve heard that re: living situations, some men have separate houses and splits his time between them… i’ve also heard that sometimes they all live together in a huge house?
i’m more interested about the social dynamics of such families. do the half siblings see each other as siblings? or half siblings? on holidays, will the wives’ extended families come over and all socialize together?
are the wives expected to sleep w/ their husband sometimes together (like a 3-some)?
do the wives get along or hate each other usually?
i wonder if these things are treated in all the arab tv shows i channel surf past that look like soap operas. it would be great material for dramas.
i understand that each family will be different, but the concept of my husband taking another wife would irk me.
here’s a naive question – do muslims not believe in birth control like catholics?
do u think women in SA would like the option or choice to drive if they wanted to?
do u think saudi women ever feel bad about, say, being segregated in college classes, and not being allowed to same freedom as men? and having to cover up all the time?
sorry for all the questions, but u said we could ask.
thanks
Oh, this is great as I have enjoyed learning more about you. I loved reading your conversion story as I had wondered about that myself. Are any of your family members also converts to Islam? If not, what were their reactions when they heard you decided to be a Muslim?
I totally agree with the ones who are amazed at how you juggle everything with such “grace.” I love your blog and blurk often.
I didn’t realize you had a bad illness though. I hope you are over that now.
Thanks for sharing yourself with us!
Betty,
I don’t mind and will try to answer each question as best as I can. I feel that due to the diversity of the questions I must put a disclaimer that my answers are my views and not necessarily shared by all those in Saudi Arabia whether expat or Saudi! ( smile)
Okay…. here goes:
Question 1: I actually have two previous interviews which were posted as blog posts. One was from the perspective of a first wife and the other from a perspective of a second wife. If you do a search using the words “first wife” or “second wife” you will find them. In regards to multiple wives to my understanding there is no set rules like one size fits all. Most wives will each have their own homes. It is less typical for multiple wives to share a home. However some Saudi style homes are like duplexes which some wives end up living in side-by-side. It makes it easier on the man but whether the wives truly appreciate the proximity can be another story.
Question 2: Social dynamics — again, it depends on the individuals involved. It’s not unusual for the man (and wives) to agree on some type of schedule. This may mean alternating nights or 3 nights here, 3 nights there and so on. The dynamics of the relationships are critical on whether the families would ever inter-mix. Most times siblings are aware of each other and do consider each other as brothers and sisters. In positive cases, the wives are viewed as mothers or surrogate mothers by all the children. In some other cases even the wives will intermingle and get along but my limited exposure has been such that most wives avoid one another and dislike each other. Many of them were not aware of the other and the husband blatantly lied and cheated about his actions and relationships. I believe in regards to holidays these are generally done separately.
Question 3: No. Those muslims who practice polygamy are not expected to all sleep together like a threesome or an orgy! (smile)
Question 4: Back to how do wives get along… maybe someone else will comment but most of what one hears about is that they make every effort to avoid one another and really do not like each other. After all, because of the presence of one wife, a woman is robbed 50 per cent or more of her husband which also has a domino effect which goes beyond time but hits at time, economics and so much more.
Question 5: It is very common for the Arab soap operas to feature dramatics with multiple wives. And for some reason especially during Ramadan, considered prime viewing time, you can watch some real doozies!
Comment 6: I agree with you. I will respect the women who have chosen or found themselves involuntarily in polygamy but do not believe that a relationship should ever consist of a triangle.
Question 7: Birth control is being practiced much more commonly among Saudis but again, the emphasis is to procreate and therefore not use birth control. A large portion of this is also due to education or lack thereof.
Question 8: Personally I think the women of Saudi Arabia will be divided on whether they wish to drive. I do believe a majority would at least like to have that choice left for them to make rather than decreed by a law. There are many practical reasons why a woman should have the right to choose on whether to drive such as emergencies, getting children to school, getting herself to work, keeping apointments, running errands. Yes; it will also make her much more independent which will also be viewed as a threat to many men.
Question 9: Again, Saudi women will likely be divided over segregation and freedoms. You will find many Saudi women who are very satisfied with the freedoms they have and which are also all that they have known and been exposed to. Due to the conservative culture of the country these women may in fact be more at ease and comfortable in a segregated classroom. There will also be those women (of all ages) who do dislike the fact that the society and culture dictates them to dress and/or cover in a certain way. I hope that some of the Saudi women who read my blog will also share their views on your questions.
You asked some very good and thoughtful questions.
Hi Susanne and thanks for coming out of lurking with your comment! (LOL)
My family was pretty relaxed about my conversion. They were naturally curious to learn more about Islam and I gave them a great little booklet about Understanding Islam for non-Muslims which makes no effort to convert someone but simply to inform them. There is one other American family member by marriage who is Muslim but none in my immediate family circle.
One evening though that will always stand out in my memories was when my 80+ year old stepmother, who knows her Bible like many muslims can recite the Quran, asked my husband for an English language Quran. She read that Quran from cover to cover and then held an extensive dialogue about what she had read with my husband. They conversed in great detail on how there were many more similarities between the two books (Bible and Quran) than there were differences.
And yes, I am recovering from cancer and all is going well, thankfully. Having something like this creep up and surprise you does make one have a different perspective on life and the need to enjoy it, relish it and cherish it!
Bedu what kind of internal social disconnects do you see in KSA- in the USA its the thinness ideal bombarded with food at every turn; ultimate performance with increased absenteesm that gets balanced out by the on call gadgets of blacberries and beepers…
Like reading the articles you blog and the interesting conversations they generate; always come back for more- thanks
“Seriously I’m not that unusual from any woman who balances a marriage, career and hobbies!”
Ah, but you are balanced, aren’t you? Some people consider that unusual enough to notice.
What can you & me do to bridge the gulf of disparities between East & West, Muslims & non-Muslims? What can we do to dispel the idea that Islam is a terror-loving religion?
I want to know the views from a diplomat’s and that of a Muslimah’s perspective.
I hope my question makes sense because I’m struggling to stay awake!
Inal – Saudi Arabia continues to be contrasts and contradictions so that is a tough question! I see what we as westerners may view as social disconnects but perhaps Saudis might not view that way because we are the ones “looking in” to THEIR culture and not ours. I hope this answer makes sense and satisfies you.
Solomon – Sometimes some people might think me less than balanced! (LOL)
Firdaus – I think blogging is one outreach towards bridging the gulf and the disparities between East and West, muslims and non-muslims. Recognize that it is okay to “agree to disagree” but do not attack – otherwise people stop listening. If one is having a discussion on religion and especially as a muslim to a non-muslim, try to stay away from answering with an answer that is quotes from the Quran. Many people will tune out thinking he or she is brainwashed and can no longer speak for themselves. It’s okay to say things like “my understanding is…..” but to just come right out and start quoting is usually a turn off (same goes with anyone who quotes scripture from the Bible without engaging in a conversation of substance. People connect to people of differing backgrounds, cultures and religions better when we connect as pure natural people who focus on our similarities and commonalities before getting into debates about our distinctions. I do not believe a discussion should end with a phrase such as “because the Quran or the Bible says so and that’s why.”
And last but not least in regards to your question of dispelling that Islam is a terror-loving religion is to lead by example.
LOL Bedu, spoken like a true diplomat! I understand, thanks
You’re welcome Inal! (smile)
Adding onto what I’ve commented, I strongly recommend anyone and everyone to Benazir Bhutto’s Reconciliation: Her Final Words on Islam, Democracy and the West.
This book is one of the many models that can be used other that blogging and leading by example although I do wish to highlight that there are a few “me” stories which is related to what she wants to do: bridging the gulf between East & West, Muslims & non-Muslims.
*…than blogging…
Thanks, Firdaus!
I am just enjoying reading all of your sweet answers Carol.
My question is, where do you work and how many kids do you have?
Feel free not to reply if it is personal
Carol, thank you for your answer to my questions. I enjoyed this particular post a LOT.
So true what your stepmother concluded about the Bible and Quran being quite alike! And I like what you said about discussing the common areas before debating the distinctions. Very good stuff. I have been learning a lot of this the last year since I met my Muslim Arab friends. I really love them.
Thank you again.
Hi Carol,
This is a very fascinating post, and it’s good to find out more about you, I have wondered about many of the above questions a few times!
You’re conversion to Islam in particular is fascinating. I too am a Catholic by birth, and while I go through the motions within my family and community, I do not identify with its position on several social issues, and am increasingly disillusioned with it. It was really interesting to read your story (and your Grandmothers conversation with your husband! Brilliant!)
All the best,
Mairéad.
I honestly, from an anthropological perspective, want to know why an American independent woman would want to live in KSA. Now, before taking offense, this is from someone who lived in bahrain and have done a share of traveling to the Muslim world. I am a Middle Eastern Studies minor and love the region not to mention my extreme facination with it!
Anthrogeek10
HS – I work at the King Saud bin Abdulaziz University for Health Sciences which is part of the National Guard. I am also a media consultant for Saudi Television (stay tuned – we’ll be airing special election coverage and programs 2 – 5 November). Lastly I also have my own business on the side where I will undertake selective consultancies which are in align with my skills and expertise.
I have one son who is grown, lives in the States and recently made me a grandmother. Then thanks to my husband I have 4 stepchildren who are also pretty much grown and independent.
Anthrogeek – no offense is taken. Honestly Saudi Arabia would not have come to my mind as the number one place I would arbitrarily choose to live but it is my husband’s home. I believe a wife’s place is beside her husband hence I am here. But more importantly regardless of where one is living what is essential is to think positive and make the best of any location that is being called home at the time. For example I had worked in Iraq in 2003 and it was not what one would call a stable, let alone safe or secure environment but it was important to find that “safehaven” that you call your own.
I’m glad everyone has enjoyed this post and my deviation from standard writing for once!
As Salaam Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah,
I wanted to ask how long has it been since you left your diplomat job?
Thanks for your information. Do you feel that you are remaining true to yourself? You seem like you are!
anthrogeek10
I would like to let you all know that American Bedu is not ignoring any of your comments. She’s just having an internet withdrawal at the moment, and it is expected to last till Saturday, November 1. Since most of her posts are written in advance, she’s asked a friend to upload them for her.
For updated information on American Bedu, you can check the following:
http://americanbedu.com/2008/10/24/saudi-street-ratserrr-cats/
Salam Alaikum Jamilah! I left the diplomatic service Dec 2002 so it has been a while.
Anthrogeek – yes; I believe I have remained true to myself!
Thank you Nader (hug)
Walaiki Salaam, I asked because my brother s a Diplomat. Maybe you know him Rick Stradford?
Salam Alaikum Jamilah.
I don’t believe I recognize his name, sorry.