Like anywhere in the world, abuse and bad relationships happen. Although a majority of places in the world will have hotlines, shelters and other organizations to assist women in trouble. In the conservative and closed society of Saudi Arabia there are few resources and recourses for women in trouble. By in trouble, I am specifically referring to the woman, whether foreign or Saudi who one day finds herself married to a hostile and temperamental stranger. This stranger whom she calls husband may now have no respect for her, physically abuse her with beatings and or sexual abuse as well as mentally abuse her. He may decide that she is his property and he can control her.
Everyone wants to say “oh that will never happen to me. My husband is different and I’m too smart.” I hope it stays that way. But if it does not and if you also know of someone having troubles, here are some thoughts and advise for consideration:
1. Have some emergency funds stashed.
2. Have a back up communication mechanism. If possible, get yourself a second mobile and whatever you do, do not share or divulge to your husband that you have. ONLY ONLY share the existence of it with those who are part of your support network that would assist you in the event of emergency.
3. If not already done, start making backup copies of all important documents (travel, birth certificates, marriage licenses, etc). Store these copies in a secure area preferably outside of your home (and with some cash if possible).
4. Concentrate on the safety of you and your children. In emotional times people can be unpredictable, especially a$$hole husbands. Have an emergency stash away kit so if you find yourself in a situation from which you need to escape, have what’s needed already secured so you grab a bag and go.
5. It certainly does not hurt to register with the nearest embassy or consulate in the Kingdom and at least let them know of your situation. If in the event a getaway is needed, they would provide assistance to you although regrettably not to children born of a Saudi father.
6. If you fear that your conversations or emails would be monitored, set up some code words which would indicate you are in danger or such so as not to alert him when speaking to a trusted contact.
7. Make sure your trusted contacts have full data such as the husband’s full name, where he works, his contact numbers, who his friends/contacts are. Information is knowledge and power.
8. Make sure your trusted friends have full data on YOU to include passport number, iqama number and expiration date, names and contact data for family members in your home country.
9. Have instructions for your friends, especially What do you want them to do if they are unable to reach you and confirm you are safe?
10. Think about what Saudi man you can trust. Saudi is a man’s country and while you may have plenty of good trusted female friends, they may be limited in what they can do for you. A man’s assistance may be very much required.
11. Do not automatically assume his family will come to your aid. Blood is generally thicker than water and the culture here is a man’s domain.
I would also advise in being very careful and selective in whom you may choose to confide or ask for assistance. There will be many individuals who are compassionate and want to help but at the same time, many will be very reluctant to intervene in what are viewed as private issues between a Saudi husband and his wife. If the wife has Saudi nationality it does give her additional rights within the law. A wife with Saudi nationality cannot be forced to leave the Kingdom.
And everyone should be aware that there is an organization in the Kingdom for women in trouble, domestic violence and abused children. This is the National Family Safety Program Staff. It is housed in Riyadh but assists throughout the Kingdom. The number is: (01) 252.0088 extensions: 45882, 45885, 45891
Lastly, as difficult as it may be to not be overly emotional, try hardest to make all decisions and take actions with logic. Do not act rashly, emotionally or abruptly as much as it is possible.
Filed under: culture, gender, islam, relationships, religion, Saudi Arabia, Saudi culture, Uncategorized
Is that your advice?
is it a patch-up call or a call to disintegrate Saudi family life?
i am sure women in kingdom are more embedded in Islam and the society and they are talented too. And i am sure they will keep using their brains rather going after these proven failed advices for destroying one’s life.
if love of your life is angry, deal with it yourself, if you actually want a patch-up…… made him talk or talk to him. even pass through the violence, but deal with it yourself, if you actually want your love ……………
(i don’t want to suggest anything, just see what Islam says “.”)
and Hello young girl ……….. what the photos for?
you said women in Saudi Arabia don’t like to be photographed because it probably be photoshoped !
Do you want to be photoshoped? but you already look horrible !!!
I don’t consider domestic violence a light topic, and I agree that many wives in the kingdom go through some sort of abuse and they can’t find help. However, if a women need to take this kinda of precautions in order to feel comfortable in a marriage, then that is a proof that marriage wasn’t worthwhile to begin with. And she is better off being on her own (the same applies to the husband)
While I agree completely with what you’re saying, Shadow Whispers, there are a few cultures in the region where men are known to have these double existences: the person they are outside their home country and the person they are once they’re back home. If I had a dirham for every time a woman described her (fill in the blank with nationality) husband and how much he changed when they went back to his country.
Coming from a long standing abusive marriage I would say that having the right kind of support is paramount to feeling like you have some sort of control over whats happening to you. For the most part I was at his mercy and the mercy of his family because I knew no one else and he made sure it stayed that way…but the moment I met someone who gave me their full support along with her entire family(brothers are in influential positions)…I felt strong enough to take a stand and grow a back bone. It took 20 years but was well worth it in the end….he has nothing and I have everything…everything being my children.
Its hard enough to suffer at the hands of an abusive spouse…to be in a foreign country and feel like the most lonely person on the planet…its not a feeling I can adequately describe.
But I would say most women are completely in the dark when it comes to their rights as a spouse and resident of an Arab country(or any country really) and an abusive husband will not hesitate to lie about what rights he has over her and what the law will not accept her doing or claiming….she needs to find out these things for herself…no matter what it takes…never take his word for anything when it comes to gaining your rights and getting safely away from him. An abusive husband is usually not to worried about telling you the truth either…and without support and knowledge your basically depending on an abusive lying person to tell you what your rights are…as if.
”if love of your life is angry, deal with it yourself, if you actually want a patch-up…… made him talk or talk to him. even pass through the violence, but deal with it yourself, if you actually want your love ……………
(i don’t want to suggest anything, just see what Islam says “.” ”
First of all, many men who abuse women do not pray and are abusers of alcohol, in which case they are classified as ”evildoers” who can also damage the children, in which case Islamically she must go to court. She also has the right over the children, even boys if he does not repent. (Islamic Fatawa regarding Women) …..
”Pass through the violence?”
Is there some limit or rules on passing through? Black eyes, broken bones, noses, or? Women do not ”feel” love for men who abuse them eventually. Love is not violence.
Although I’d prefer some serious counceling (perhaps you can reccommend some in saudi whoa re good with dealing with multi-cultural relationships) before runnign away and divorce I understand the need for places and sitatuons does exist. I was just telling a friend of mine about to travel to mid East to photo copy everything and keep copies with trusted family and firnds and keep hold of her and the kids passports in case anythign goes wrong. Because sadly sometimes a lot does go wrong and poeple feel they have no place to go. I’m glad you gave us these numbers and names. Thanks.
Come on people sure she’s not advising that every woman lie and decieve her husband just “in case” but the reality is some women do get stuck and should have taken these precautious especailly with today’s divorce rates hello ovr 50% so I think it’s worthwhile to have plans for just in case. This is also what a divorce dowry is for JUST IN CASE, doesn’t mean when you’re a newlywed you’re wanting divorce it is for extreme circumstances.
To the first commentator:
“even pass through the violence, but deal with it yourself, if you actually want your love …”
Get a reality check. Violence leaves women bruised, with broken bones, and in some cases hospitalized or dead. Any man that beats his woman is scum and a coward. No women should live under these conditions or love a such a savage.
It is sad that our society and goverment does not offer the proper protections so women do not have to resort to extremes to protect them selves. Yes there is a better way than Carol’s advise and that is for the goverment and courts to treat such men as criminals and protect the women and children. In the absence of such protections, I think Carol offered good advise for women to extract them selves from the abuse.
I hope this post will stir up a number of comments and greater awareness. Naturally most of us like to think the world is rosy and everything is al humdillallah but if that is not the case, then women who find themselves in such a position need to know in practical terms how to protect themselves…as Saudi in US pointed out, the courts and laws are just not there yet although violence (with marriages of any nationality and culture) have been existing for far too long. If speaking out on the harsh realities can help rather than hiding the head in the sand, then so be it.
Honestly, everything that you wrote in that post would be VERY, VERY, VERY helpful for a women in an abusive relationship in Soudi Arabia.
I mean what if a women doesn’t have anyone in KSA(or any country) but her husband? What is she suppose to do then? Tough it out until she ends up dead and her children left with a crazy, non-sense father?If you want a way out, you have to look for one and be ready to leave when the time comes.
American_Bedu, the advice you posted on keeping extra copies of files and things like that is actually really practical.Thanks for posting, and, who knows, you might of actually helped someone.:-)
If a woman does not have anyone in KSA but her husband, she should have the number of her neatest embassy for country of origin and the number for the National Family Safety Program. These numbers will lead a woman to resources and help.
For out of KSA, again, have the number to your embassy for country of origin.
I realize all the subjects on which I choose to post may not be to everyone’s taste, but abuse and literally enforced home imprisonment can happen here (and elsewhere). However due to the laws and role of mahrem here in KSA, it can be more challenging for a woman in trouble to know where to go. Like you said Sarah, if this post can help someone in trouble or towards opening eyes before making all the changes to coming here, then I’m happy.
Not all relationships (thank God) are abusive but there can indeed be some real doozies here.
You know anonymous Saudi? I agree this list is a ridiculous draconian safety-net to keep in the back of your mind, and totally unconductive to a trusting marriage relationship.
However, these measures are meant as a safety net, in countries where women demonstrably get no protection by men, by the laws and by the government.
So if you don’t like it you might want to make some changes, so this list, which women in the decadent ”West” do not need to imply, can become obsolete.
If you are not willing to make these changes, which I consider wholly in the spirit of the humanity demonstrated by the prophet as recounted in various hadith, then you should just lump it and refrain from whining about it on a blog dedicated to spreading fair and honest information.
You have comments on lovely miss Carol? Great, post your own photo on Flickr and give us a link.
I’d love to give you a critique of your looks.
But I won’t count on it as you don’t even have the guts to sign your name, loser!
This is kind of like a postscript but I wanted to add that this is advise when a situation becomes truly unbearable. I’m sorry to say that this post was prompted by true events of which I’m aware.
However, I do wish to add that of course the first steps when problems with a relationship is to try and work things out one-on-one through good solid communication. If that fails, then try and speak with a trusted sister of the husband or even the mom. I do not want to imply that in each and every case a Saudi family would turn a blind eye if they have any idea there are serious problems or violence in a relationship.