Let’s face it…in the Kingdom following the cultural traditions, there are indeed few opportunities for men and women to meet one another. So how do eligible men and women find someone to marry? I’m writing this from the perspective that both the man and woman are Muslim and following the cultural customs here although they may not necessarily be Saudis. Basically the women would generally rely on their mothers, sisters, aunts and female friends to watch out for them in hearing about an eligible man. The same (in reverse) applies to the man.
So let’s think about finding a husband for another woman. Are women really good screeners to find a life partner for another woman? And what about if a Muslim woman is in a Muslim country without having any family there? What kind of guarantee is there that other women will try to place their criteria on eligible men? How can the other women be sure they know their family member or friend well enough to find a husband for her? Now of course this has been taking place in the Kingdom for decades with successes and failures among Saudis.
Many of the marriages end up between families and tribes for the women who are able to make queries and “matchmaking” are limited in the knowledge of what eligible men are available for marriage. And Saudis overall prefer to keep marriages among families known to each other as well.
Why am I writing this post? I’m not trying to become a matchmaker but I’m realizing there are a lot of women in the Kingdom who are not married, enjoy life in the Kingdom but still would like to find that ideal partner. How do they accomplish these goals successfully when not having a family member to look out for them and their interests so they can fulfill their hopes of love and partnership? And how do they accomplish this dream in an Islamic manner? Lastly, how receptive are Saudi women to assist in finding a good partner for a non-Saudi woman in the Kingdom?
Filed under: culture, gender, islam, relationships, religion, Saudi Arabia, Saudi culture, Saudi customs
Interview Request
Hello Dear and Respected,
I hope you are fine and carrying on the great work you have been doing for the Internet surfers. I am Ghazala Khan from The Pakistani Spectator (TPS), We at TPS throw a candid look on everything happening in and for Pakistan in the world. We are trying to contribute our humble share in the webosphere. Our aim is to foster peace, progress and harmony with passion.
We at TPS are carrying out a new series of interviews with the notable passionate bloggers, writers, and webmasters. In that regard, we would like to interview you, if you don’t mind. Please send us your approval for your interview at my email address , so that I could send you the Interview questions. We would be extremely grateful.
regards.
Ghazala Khan
The Pakistani Spectator
http://www.pakspectator.com
Historically, the match-making system worked well when people stayed in one place, families knew families over years, if not generations, and two people came together for marriage already knowing a great deal about the other and about the other’s background. These ideal conditions may still be operative in contemporary Saudi society.
With the advent of global mobility, and the spread of Islam, the system of arranged meetings breaks down. It becomes a formality without authority, a ritual without substance.
What’s the difference whether my friend brings me a man or I meet him in a bar, if I cannot verify his background, learn of his reptuation, get to know him over time, or even check whether he has another wife? Words are cheap, and I end up having to rely upon words, charm, and gut feelings, which are not reliable when the other person is essentially a stranger.
I don’t have an answer for the need, but the ancient custom is a crap shoot for non-Saudis.
Thanks for your view Marahm. While I am not necessarily advocating the ancient custom, I think that a non-Saudi woman must know and really trust any individuals she wants to help find a suitable match for her — if she is going to do this in the traditional manner and not a western or quasi-western style courtship.
Here in Morocco, a lot of young people are using the internet to meet potential spouses (and otherwise).
Madame Monet, in Marrakesh
Writing, Painting, Music, and Wine
winewriter.wordpress.com
You know, I actually think if conducted by a really intelligent, and insightful person, who is unbiased, and knowledgeble, and truly well meaning, and very upright, it might not be such a bad idea. In theory.
I’m surprising myself here.
But of course such a person doesn’t exists.
Besides, I would only think it a good idea if it meant an introduction, combined with actually getting to know each other with the option to get out again.
But as a start, and imagining this fantasy/perfect/matchmaker, who would also be fully conversant of both peoples families, background, ideas and views, I don’t think ”matchmaking ” is really a completely bad idea.
I always have thought you’d want to use your brain as well as your heart when selecting a mate.
One thing which is also different nowadays I think is that we have different views, wishes and expectations ánd possibilities as in earlier times. I think that goes for most of us regardless our roots. A hundred years ago divorce was hardly an accepted option, and everybody knew they were stuck. So doesn’t matter how unhappy you are, there is no getting out of your situation, and that’s that.
Now we want everything: love, compagnionship, both having a job, and both helping each other out, children, who are constantly cared for and stimulated at home, sports, and quality time with spouse. etc.
Actually quite a lot to ask for, and quite a lot of work, combine that with the fact that a lot of couples seem to stop working at their relation when they are married ( the time you should do you very best) and they start growing apart, and as we can divorce now, more or less easily, we do.
Ok in ”the west”, in some other places women are just stuck, and men take another wife.
Which is something I’ve been wondering about: one of the crappy excuses we have heard in earlier posts is: ”Because the first wife was only an arranged marriage, the men should have the right to take a second wife for love” ( I’m not going into the right of the first wife to take a second husband then, one she can love, or the idiot who made the match which was apparently crap)
How are these ”second wife/lovematches” found? Not by a matchmaker I presume. But men can’t meet up with women in KSA, So how do they suddenly find the ”love of their life”???
And how do they manage to love their first arranged wife as much as their ”love of their life”????
Wow, am bantering off-topic here.
As things stand I would never trust somebody to hook me up, especially in a country where you have neither rights, nor a way of getting out with your children and money.
I am always happy to broker introductions to individuals I believe are “like minded” but I do not want to take any responsibility for matchmaking.
And Aafke, as you know too well, it is the man’s world in KSA so of course he can take a 2nd wife for love while the first wife’s feelings are just not taken into account. )-: A lot of 2nd wives to Saudis are non-Saudis so they usually met up in a western style. There are also Saudi 2nd wives whose marriages were arranged the same as the first marriage. I think it would be interesting to have statistics on Saudi men and their wives and nationalities…
You brought up such an interesting point! Here in the west, many college students from the GCC come to study…and often times “fall in love”. While I am not against this by any means, I think due to cultural differences and expectations there are often times a gap in communication when it comes to an American female and a Saudi male courtship. If the intention is true and genuine, having a third party, such as a matchmaker could certainly be beneficial…especially for the females. I know there are many female reverts at my university who would be so thankful to have someone who would be there to help them as well as protect their interest (and reputation) at the same time…
P.S.
So many of these issues hit so close to home for me that I almost feel as if you are reading my mind!
Thanks for your comments J and please do a search in the search block for Saudi students as well as bicultural relationships and marriage. I have already written a number of posts on this topic since it is no doubt a hot topic and of high interest.
There is no woman who could possibly comprehend the culture over here unless she lived it. So, meeting or a matchmaking situation in the U.S. never prepares you for life over here.
Man’s World. Totally.
You marry the man, you marry the tribe.
Every decision made by the couple seems to be up for vote, or conversation.
Family comes first or in between your relationship.
(other wives, mothers, fathers, children, diwaniyas, etc)
I don’t know Carol, could any book, manual, or movie prepared any of us for the reality of living here?
I do think matchmaking works though, if done by well intended people, both knowing both sides of the story. It alleviates some of the wishful thinking that goes with ”love marriages” ….
I enjoy your discussion of this topic as I can definitely relate. I have been searching for a wife from a similar background as mine in Dubai which is a lot easier than Saudi has been in vain, to such a degree that I am seriously contemplating returning back to Jordan (my home country) at a serious reduction in wages.
There are several aspects to it with the blame, in my humble opinion, being from the man and woman’s ends.
Firstly, with females being educated these days while still retaining their conservative Islamic values, they inherently refuse to be matched up like their mothers and grandmothers did, but would rather, meet the man of their dreams. This is them proving that they are modern and romantic. However, being conservative, it limits their chances as they are not the ones who flash their sparkling teeth and bat their eyes at the good looking guys. Those girls are the first to go.
The guys as well tend to want to “play the field” in their twenties and only mature when it becomes harder for them to find their soulmate. Thus, society has placed all eligible guys and girls in a dilemma. They want the chance to meet others, but they have an inner struggle that this is not the right way to go about it. It reflects badly upon them as individuals who are modern enough to find their own special someone. Society does not offer a solution. It is either an arranaged marriage or the other extreme of being on your own and finding that special someone. What is the solution?!?! I do not know.
Viking Daughter – my apologies for missing your comment from 30 June; that was the day I was admitted to the hospital!
I agree with you; one can be as prepared as possible but still there will be culture shock when coming to the Kingdom. (I can’t speak for Kuwait). And this happens regardless of age. I consider myself well-traveled (more than 100 countries and much of the Middle East region) and even when arriving in the Kingdom in my 40′s still had my own challenges to overcome with culture shock and differing traditions.
Samer – welcome and thank you so much for sharing an Arab male’s perspective.
Interestingly there was a wedding just this week where the man was in his 30′s and the bride was 19. Yes; they are cousins. The man was ready to be married and naturally wanted an attractive bride. The family felt the 19 year old would make a good match for him. Inshallah, they will have happiness.