The majority of westerners who have married a Saudi man usually met and married their husband while in the West. The minority are those who met and married their husbands in the Kingdom or elsewhere. Once a woman comes to the Kingdom with her Saudi husband she is not only going through her own adjustment and transition but will inevitably see changes in her husband as well. As a result, if a western woman wishes to maintain a successful and happy marriage it will take much work and adaptation on her part; do not expect that the husband will or know how to compromise on some of these issues.
I believe one woman whom I know summed up her experience and philosophy of “making it” well and she kindly gave permission to be quoted here:
“My husband is a good man too….but there are many western women here, married to Saudis, who haven’t been so blessed to have one of them… that’s all I’m trying to say. And some of the gals that thought they had a good husband, ended up trapped in some very difficult situations.
I’ve been here in Saudi since most of you were likely in diapers, so I think that entitles me to say that the odds are against any of us staying married, Saudi or not. (Sad, isn’t it?) The divorce rate is very high now…. at just over 50% in Saudi. It was extremely low when I arrived here. As a matter of fact, it has gotten so bad now that the government is having trouble handling all the case loads…..as the English newspapers say so often.
My husband is a good man, from a very good family,….but I have seen a lot in 25 years living here, and I think that entitles me to express my concern about the future for other women like us…. at least to tell them to prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. And if I can save one woman from blindly giving her money away, here or there, that will be a good thing. There’s an Arabic saying…could be Hadith…??…. that says, ‘Tie your camel first, and then put your trust in God.’
Many may be too young yet to understand what it means to live over here long term…to leave your own relatives behind and all your friends and build some semblance of a life over many, many years. You don’t know how it is to make lifelong friends here that become like relatives to you. You don’t know how happy your children are to find others that are like them while growing up here.
I’m not trying to bash Saudis, really. I love Saudis. But, in this part of the world, women need to look out for themselves first……and what scares me more than anything, is the way women always seem to put themselves last….especially the ones that have been here a long time. If you make sure that you are happy here, then it’s easier for you to make your husband happy as well as your children. And, if you are prepared for the future, then you can relax and enjoy the days, months, and years ahead.
My Saudi husband brought me roses and took me out for dinner a few nights ago…. I’ve known him now for over 30 years! He’s my best friend. My heart still skips a beat when he walks into the room! Really!! Is that sick or what? lol But, tomorrow, next month, next year, 20 years from now… it might not be like today….so I’m preparing just in case.”
I know she speaks from years of experience and has seen a lot during her time here. I have also noticed the transition that the man seems to go through. It is almost like he was “unveiled” when he was outside of the Kingdom where close and extended family and/or friends of the family would not see him routinely so he could be freer, looser, more open. But like a reverse rose which slowly blossoms open, he will continue to close back up tighter and tighter over time on return to the Kingdom. There are so many pressures upon him on family honor, dignity, saving face, that rather than buck the system and go against the family, he will gradually yield and conform to their expectations. And where does the western wife fall into this equation? She is expected to “suck it up” and adapt. She is expected to support her husband even if he asks to cover her head or her face where that may not have been an issue before; he may tell her with little to no notice that a large number of guests will be coming for an extended stay and whether they can financially afford it or not, they will beg, borrow and steal to put on the best face and show the finest time. There may be increased segregation and less and less quality time with the husband. He will simply say “I am going out” and neither offer nor give an explanation. These are part of the realities that can and do occur.
So what does the woman do? Of course that depends on the woman. She may want and think she can change him and no one wants to discourage her from that. Concurrently she should have a strong support network of friends who are from her culture, customs, background and can help her through difficult times. Ideally she should have friends who are in similar situations; not so they can have a group gripe session but to give each other constructive support on getting through those tough times.
That being said, it does not mean to imply in any way that every Saudi man is a “Jekyl and Hyde” personality. Not at all! There are many honest, generous, kind and responsible Saudi men married to Westerners. However I do believe my friend gave wise advise since the odds for success are so low, the smart woman will prepare for any contingency.
Filed under: culture, gender, islam, relationships, Saudi Arabia, Saudi culture, Saudi customs, travel, Uncategorized
Women have always had soft hearts and have put theirselves last. You give good advice to encourage women in Saudi to develop strong support systems, both inside and outside of Saudi.
Thanks, Safiyyah!
A very interesting read. After spending 30 years together in the States, my Saudi husband suddenly expressed a desire to move back home for a variety of reasons, something I thought would never be in the realm of possibilities. Believe me, I read and researched all the horror stories that many Western women have experienced coming here. Needless to say, my family and friends were concerned and even afraid for me, but many of them knew my husband for just as long as I did, and they ultimately had complete trust in him. The West’s image of Saudi Arabia is so distorted because of the news media, the fact that so many of the 9/11 perpetrators were Saudi, and also because of ignorance. I feel like my son and I gave up a lot to come here, but my husband insists that life over here is better – and in many ways it is. We have only been here less than a year now, and though challenging, so far I still find life here fascinating. Thank goodness my husband is also a very good man, considerate, generous and loving. If his family hadn’t welcomed us with open arms and been so wonderful to us since we arrived, my stay here in this country would have been a completely different experience. I consider myself one of the lucky ones.
sage advice
Susie,
I have been reading your blog and so enjoy your experiences. It is so wonderful to hear the openness of your own experiences and the relaxed personality of your husband. Many many Saudi spouses would not allow their wife to either go to the vegetable souk as yours did let alone take photos! (or at least not in conservative Riyadh!!) The attitude of spouses and their extended family make a big difference on the adjustment for the foreign spouse.
SSW,
Your blog is another excellent read for further insights and advise on realities of living in the Kingdom as a foreign spouse. Keep writing those great posts.
salaam, i would like to get married to a saudi, who is british, I have a daugther aged 3.
I hear what you have to say about women needing to watch out for themselves first but the difficulty is getting women to do so! I took me years of quarreling with my mother to get to even consider, for a moment, that her rights mattered. As a child I would watch her give up everything, including the smallest claim to pride or self-respect, at the demand of her family. It took me years to get her to at least eat with the rest of the family instead of waiting till we were done and then eat the left-overs. From my experience, my firm belief is that the biggest obstacle to rights for women are women themselves. After all it just took me 20 odd years to persuade my mother that a husband did not have a natural right to beat the wife:)
In many cases, Oilive, that is the case indeed. It also illustrates why it is so important to have a support network that will not judge but give the right encouraging support when needed.
I agree wit the above it is very importatnt to get yourself a network of friends to whom you can reply on in times of need. I don’t think it is just all Saudi men who do this I saw this alot in Lebanon too where the man comes back to his family and culture and has to act differently. SO many times my husband admonished me “This is not the states!” We do kinda have to just suck it up and deal with it but there is also the good that you learn another side of your husband that you might have never known if you remained in the West. I learned how increadibly selfless my husband is for his family no matter what they need he tries to do it for them and i love that about him! SO do be prepared but don’t always worry if you two are strong you can make it with give and take on both sides.
Good points American Muslima Writer!
Very good points are raised in the article and in the comments here. I agree, ‘don’t worry’ too much…chances are good that you and your husband will have many happy years together. But women need to protect themselves and their futures….especially here…..even in the best of circumstances. The sooner they begin putting money away on a regular basis, in their own accounts, the better they’ll be able to stand up to whatever trials life tosses their way.
This is excellent advice. I really couldn’t cope with playing the role that is expected, because to me it is blatantly sexist and unjust, and for that reason, I won’t move overseas, particularly to Saudi. although in many ways, I’d love to live in a Muslim country. here in Australia, my Lebanese husband has done a lot of adapting..i.e he always gives me notice if someone is coming over, he tells me where and when he is going out, he does housework. I adore him, but I’m also aware of how strong culture is, not to mention societal pressure…I think things would be very different if we were in an Arab country, not because he is a bad man, but because we have many aspects of self and different environments bring out different aspects.
Miriam and Saha, thanks for your comments.
The bottom line, as has been pointed out by several readers, is the woman should be prepared if she is living in the Kingdom as it can bring its own special conditions that can influence a man and a relationship.
i enjoyed by reading this issue.
Thanks Saudi umarried guy!
Saudi Unmarried Guy…Can you tell us more about your point of view? We women tend to see things from our side of the fence. What would be your advice if your sister were to be marrying a Saudi at this time? What would you tell her to put in her contract?