Reflections from A Saudi Man With an American Wife
First, thanks for your cooperation in responding to my questions which I’m sure in turn will also generate a lot of additional comments from readers of my blog.
To begin with, how, when and where did you meet your American wife?
Did you have a Saudi style courtship or a typical American courtship with dating?
I met my wife in 1982 about 3 years after I came to the US. We met through mutual friends at a party. Both of us were in other relationships at the time, however, we both enjoyed each other’s company and became best friends almost instantly and for almost a year. During the time we both worked out of our relationships and eventually started a courtship. It was amazing for both of us to discover after a long year that we were both hiding the fact of having mutual attraction from the first time we met. We both preferred not to act on it out of respect of the other’s situation. We had a typical American style relationship, dating for some time and then renting a place together.
How long did you know one another before broaching the topic of marriage?
We have known each for 5 years, 4 of those we were a couple. We both knew that we wanted to spend a lifetime together. The unfortunate part about Saudi/American relationships is that you cannot go through the romantic process of surprising your lady with an engagement request. There are so many complexities around cultural differences and legal issues that a lengthy discussion needs to be had to insure both sides are committed to make it work.
At what point in the relationship were families informed? And what was the initial reaction of your family and her family?
Both of our families knew early. I met her family even before we started dating and they liked me. My situation was much easier than most Saudi’s as my father, the only surviving parent at the time, is liberal and always allowed me to make my decisions. He knew that I was in a dating relationship and I informed him that I was planning on getting married a week after I made the decision. Of course I had some extended family members that were disappointed. Specifically, Aunts as they feel it is their duty to take over for my late mom and match me with a future bride. I would not term this as resistance as they all accepted my situation.
What kind of a wedding did you have? Was your wife Muslim prior to your marriage? Is she Muslim now?
My wife converted to Islam before our wedding. We had an Islamic wedding at the mosque with a few of my friends witnessing. This was to insure that we are in compliance with Saudi government requirements. A few months later we had an American style outdoor wedding and reception. We celebrate both anniversaries. Thus, I have double the chance of getting in trouble for forgetting an anniversary date than the average male.
You have chosen to make your home with your wife in the United States. Can you comment on the reasons for this choice.
It was a mutual decision that we made together. My wife was never opposed to going to Saudi, but we both wanted more than what Saudi offered. There are many reasons for our decision, which include:
- Freedoms for women: We were not comfortable with the limitation of freedoms that women are subjected to in Saudi. Personally I did not want my wife and our daughter, which was born 1 year after our marriage, to be live under such conditions.
- Career prospects: I make my living in a technology field and the US offered better prospects and job opportunities.
- Ease of living: The US offers a much better life style with less complexity in many respects.
- Complexities for acquiring approval by the authorities: We had an Islamic wedding which is a requirement for approval by the Saudi government. Although this could have been accomplished through application to the authority and consistent follow-up, I eventually decided the process is somewhat degrading to my rights as an individual to choose my partner and did not want to subject myself or my family to it.
Has your wife been to Saudi Arabia?
No. However, we have always had family visiting with us in the US in summer vacations and she met most of my family through those visits.
How has your family accepted an American wife?
Everyone in my family accepted my wife. Many members of the family were supportive even before I informed them of the decision. Of course there were a few that were not convinced that this was a good idea. However, I was an independent thinker all my life and they just put up a small resistance. Everyone accepted my decision shortly after.
Did they ever make any efforts to match you up with a Saudi woman?
My mom passed away when I was 12 and I have 4 aunts. Naturally each one of them thought it was her responsibility to be a match maker to find me a bride starting at the time I graduated from college. I’ve never believed in that method of finding a life partner, so I always just brushed aside the prospect by saying “Next year Ensha Allah”. Once I got married all of these attempts stopped as having multiple wives is not accepted in my family.
How long have you and your spouse been married?
21 years this month for our Islamic wedding and yes I remembered this time J
Did you require any special approvals for your marriage? And if so, were they easy or difficult to obtain?
No I never applied for Saudi approval.
What were some of the greatest challenges you and your spouse encountered due to having a bi-cultural marriage? How did you resolve those challenges?
We really do not have cultural issues of any significance. We have known each other for 5 years before marriage, so by that time we both were very familiar of any idiosyncrasies the other had.
What advise would you give to other Saudi men who may be thinking of marrying a Western woman?
Make sure that you have chosen a person that you love strongly enough to have the courage to face all the difficulties you may encounter starting with family resistance and ending with government bureaucracy. If you do not have that type of commitment, then you should reconsider as you may hurt your future wife and children.
And what about a Western woman who is involved with a Saudi man? What should she know? What questions should she ask of him?
First, you should make sure that your future husband has the commitment I described above. Second, realize that the great majority of Saudis will want to go back to Saudi Arabia. Study the country and the sacrifices that you need to make to live there. Speak to other western women who have been in a similar situation to get an idea of life in the country. Carol does a great job by providing an excellent resource through this blog, which will allow you to make the right connections.
Any final comments you would wish to make?
Mixed marriages are not much different than others. They require love, commitment and mutual sacrifice. What is unique is that there will be extraordinary external pressures from family or society. The partners should form a unity pact and an understanding on how to face those pressures.
Again, thank you so very much for taking the time to answer my questions. I wish you, your wife and family all the very best.
Filed under: America, culture, gender, Interview, islam, relationships, religion, Saudi Arabia, Saudi culture, Saudi customs, travel, Uncategorized Tagged: | Intercultural marriage, relationships, Saudi
From the answers I think I know who this Saudi guy is. If so he seems to be a very decent sort of fellow.
It is also nice ot hear other people’s stories.
Thanks for providing such a great forum Carol.
Thank you for your comments Abu Sinan. I realized that we often hear from the woman’s perspective on relationships and challenges but not as often from the male perspective. Therefore I am very appreciative of those who allowed me to pose questions and post their responses.
Regards,
Carol
Since we’ve been talking about “mixed” marriages, and how they succeed or fail, I’d like to add a point about language. I think it’s nearly imperative for both spouses to speak both languages. Communication has been cited as a prime ingredient for the success of any marriage, but what kind of communication is it when one partner speaks a language that the other patner does not speak?
Carol, have you written or do you plan to post an essay about the importance of language?
Marie,
The problem with Arabic is that it is a VERY hard language to learn and chances of most people becoming conversational in Arabic are very slim unless they attend university level classes.
As a person in a mixed marriage what I found important is that we have at least one language that we can communicate in a thoughtful and meaningful way. For us that is English, although I am pretty good with my Arabic due to university level Arabic classes and advanced grammar classes at a local Saudi institute.
I think what is more important with the second language is that the other partner at least try to learn the basics of it.
AbuSinan,
Your point is well taken. Ideally, the trust and character development of all concerned would be such that no doubts would enter the mind of the non-Arabic speaker concerning what the relatives say about him/her, or worse yet, what the spouse says, and to whom, openly, besides.
In fairness, I must confess that my own situation is the only one I’ve witnessed in which the language disparity worked against the non-Arabic speaking spouse (me!).
However, let’s consider the kids, who will pick up both languages, especially if the family travels frequently. Wait till they hit adolescence!
Very good point Marie which Abu Sinan covered well. Yes; if you do a search through the search feature of my blog I have covered several posts in the past about learning arabic and whether arabic was really necessary.
Naturally I encourage and endorse that if one is living in the Kingdom to learn arabic and even more so if one of the partners in a marriage is an arab.
It’s not only for the partners to fully understand one another but equally important for communicating within the extended family. For example, my mother-in-law has no English and it is very important to have a successful relationship with ones MIL here in the Kingdom. She is great that since I’ve been brought into the family fold she has learned some English but it is up to and expected that I will be the one to master Arabic.
In our case we have used English within the family. My wife only knows very little Arabic, but she does not have a mother in-law to build a relation with. I think if you live in the US, learning Arabic does not become a necessity. However, for life in Saudi, knowing Arabic may become a requirement to expand relations beyond the western educated younger generations. I also, agree with AbuSinan, learning Arabic is very difficult and requires intense advanced study to get the grammar correct. There are many house maids in Saudi from far-east countries that have been in Saudi over 10 years and still can not converse well. This is because they do not have the advantage of learning the language through formal means.
AbuSinan, Good guess and thanks
. By the way I am in your town for business for a couple of days. It’s cold up here brrrrrrr.
On the issue of language and housemaids I must say I have been very pleasantly surprised by the housemaids and there ability to quickly grasp and converse in arabic. They may not be fluent like a native but overall for no formal training, I think they have picked up the language quite quickly.
And thanks, I now know for sure who all the mysterious interviewees are!
OMG this man made my heart sing regarding his love for his wife and child and also just how much common sense he has regarding relationships such as these! This struck me most:
“Make sure that you have chosen a person that you love strongly enough to have the courage to face all the difficulties you may encounter starting with family resistance and ending with government bureaucracy. If you do not have that type of commitment, then you should reconsider as you may hurt your future wife and children.”
It brought tears to my eyes as I thought of my own failed relationship with a Gulf man and the many years we were together and he simply did not have the courage to stand up to his tribe, his family. My blessings are with this man, his wife, his marriage……..
If the interviewees choose to reveal themselves, that is their call!
And Marianna, I agree with you. I made sure my own spouse read this thoughtful and practical post written by a fellow Saudi.
And like you, we wish everyone all the best!
Regards,
Carol
I’ve been wondering a bit though, I take it then that the ”Saudi Man with an American Wife” can’t go back to live in KSA, at least not with wife, ever!
Don’t you get home-sick? Are you content to spend the rest of your life far from your own family? I mean the rest of your family.
I also think that ”Saudi Man with an American Wife” is a mega-cool specimen!
Aafke,
I still can go to Saudi if I decided to. Actually, applying for my wife to be allowed to move there gets easier with age. The Saudi procedure for approval is partly aimed at stopping young men from marrying outside the country, leaving young Saudi girls unmarried. At a mid 40′s age, I am not that much of a prize the logic goes
The question is whether I will want to. You have to consider, that I’ve been living away from Saudi for 30 years, almost double the 17 years I lived in Saudi. So in many respects the US is home for me and I enjoy the live style here.
About getting home sick. I do at times, however you have to think about this question in 2 ways:
- Missing the culture: I do. However, with rapid economic change, Saudi culture has changed so much over the past 30 years that it does not resemble much of what I grew up with. This topic is complex and can fill a book, if I had the writing talent. So what I miss does not exist anymore and if I move back looking for it I will be very disappointed.
- People: This is family and friends. The answer for Friends is easy, as most of my friends now are in the US since I have been here so long. Regarding family, most people have very strong attachment to their mothers back home. That unfortunately does not apply in my case. My closest surviving family members are males and some of them live abroad like I do. As I said earlier, I do have a unique situation, many Saudi’s will face tougher choices than I do.
I do however visit Saudi periodically and it is great as many of my extended family members gather for feasts and the like with me as the guest of honor. I feel so lucky during these visits as I get to see everyone in a short period of time. I also get to see family members in visits in the US. My brother’s kids often spend the summers with us. Additionally, with communications improving I communicate daily with family over the internet.
Saudi in US, thank you for your explanation, I find it all very understandable. I was just a bit worried, because I wish you and your wife to be very happy.
Thanks Aafke and all for your kind thoughts..
Assalaamu alaikum,
I’m American, and my husband is Saudi, and I recently moved to KSA. I am happy living here. It did take a lot of work and patience to get our marriage approved by the government, but it is possible. You just have to hang in there and not give up. It was harder for us because we are young and don’t have any children yet. It’s easier the older you are and having children is a big help.
American in KSA,
I am sure that all who are married to a Saudi (male and female) always have a story to tell about the approval process! It took 6 years for my husband and I to get our approval but as you said, patience and hard work persevered. Let’s hope Abu Sinan has success soon in his quest.
Ok, I just read the answers to the questions that was asked, because I just happened to stumble across your site. See, I met a saudi guy when I was in college. He’s now 25 and I’m 24 but then I really liked him but I knew about Saudi Arabia, the people, the culture and the religion of the country. And he was wonderful and very sweet, so if the guy answering the questions is anything like rayan, then you must be a good man. But here’s the thing, you mentioned that your wife converted to Islam and then married you at the mosque. So here’s the question, would you have married your wife, if she had no intentions of converting to Islam? I mean, would you have married her anyway? See, that was the problem with me and the guy I liked, I’m a strong christian and he is a devout muslim, so where do we go from there? When it comes to religion, how did you guys deal with the subject, like did your wife have to think about it or did she already decide while dating you that she wanted to be muslim? And is it possible to marry a saudi man who is muslim and still remain a christian? And is it possible to raise your children with both christian and islamic values? thanks for replying!
Leah
Leah, welcome and thanks for responding.
I can tell you that yes, it is possible for a muslim man (not only Saudi) to marry not only another muslim but a Christian and/or Jew as well without the woman required to convert or change her faith. While I am not aware of any Saudis who have married Jews, I know a number who have married Christian woman, many who did not convert. The husband and wife have their own understandings and arrangement. However any child born from a woman married to a Saudi is not only considered automatically a Saudi citizen but will be muslim as well. In regards to raising children with both islamic and christian values, that is a decision made individually by the respective couple. While it is probably not openly acnowledged or discussed much, I am aware that this does indeed happen in some cases.
Leah,
Islam does not prohibit a man marrying a Christian woman (not the other way around though). Islam also require that the children are raised under Islamic traditions. Practically, it is much harder for a Christian wife to receive acceptance of the marriage by the Saudi government.
By the way we got married close to your age. I was 26 and my wife was 24. In our case, the decision for the conversion was my wife’s as I do believe it is a personal conviction. I never made that a condition. We also had a Muslim wedding as it would have made applying for her to move to Saudi easier. We subsequently decided to stay in the US.
Regarding values, I see only few differences in core values between Christianity and Islam. The differences are usually in details like what things are considered sins or in religious rituals. The other major difference is the spirituality. For example Islam does recognize Jesus, but as a prophet not son of God. I think the spiritual part can be confusing for kids if 2 different religions are taught. I am not saying it is impossible, but will take some wisdom to pull it off.
Can someone give me this man’s email/phone (for my husband) or his wife’s (for me) !!! I want to convince my husband not to go back to his country.. It is a serious issue!!! Sara
Sara, while I can understand the seriousness of your request I also have to uphold the privacy of those who gave me permission to share such stories. However I am also confident you will get good solid advise through comments left by readers or perhaps a reader will offer to correspond with you directly through email due to sensitivities.
of course i understand, i just don’t know what to do…
Is there anything you care to address as a comment? If not, you’re privacy is understood and respected.
As an alternative, you can email me and I in turn can get it forwarded to the individual so he can respond if he chooses to.
sure what’s your email address?
If you have not heard from the individual yet whom I interviewed, email me at american_bedu (at symbol) yahoo (dot) com and I will forward.
[...] am aware of multiple cases where a Saudi man has indeed left Saudi Arabia for a love story. Here is a sample interview of a Saudi man who chose to live with his wife outside the country. Some have returned with their foreign love to Saudi Arabia and others have chosen to remain outside [...]
[...] http://americanbedu.com/2008/01/28/reflections-from-a-saudi-man-with-an-american-wife/ [...]
My saudi boyfriend won’t tell his arab friends about me, is that normal?
Thats not normal for ANY boyfriend…but for Arabs…if he doesnt tell them about you…thats usually a bad sign that he doesnt see you as something valuable or permanent in his life.
Alternatively, he could be protecting her in that he has serious feelings and does not want her reputation to be tarnished. Saudi men in the traditional value, are not to have girlfriends. If he hopes to have a permanent relationship with her, he would not want friends knowing that she had been a girlfriend prior to marriage or especially for his family to think they had a relationship prior to marriage.
Lovely post. I enjoyed reading about your experiences.
One thing, though; how about Saudi women with American husbands?
Welcome Mz Kathy,
It is much more difficult for a Saudi woman to meet and marry an American (or non-Arab) husband. There are some Saudi female/Western male couples but they are a minority.
I have a relationship with a Saudi guy. He works at the same hospital where I am working in KSA. I am a Filipina. It was almost a year ago, about 3 months after landing in the country that we were introduced. We have the same interests like photography and photoshop. He helped me in buying my photography gadgets as our place is really far from the city. He always took time to see me. I can really feel him reaching out to me. We started communicating thru the internet and he calls me all the time. For him, we were actually in a relationship already. It was a secret relationship.
Now, after some weeks, he will come over to Philippines. I am on vacation right now. We could at last be with each other.
I am quite aware of the risks of this relationship but I really like him and I think, he likes me, as well. The problem that may really possibly come out is his family. He said he will lose his family when they will know he gets involve with a Non-Saudi. He is 25. I am 24. Yes! We are still young. I have been researching a lot about the Saudi culture.
I also have plans of going to another country and somehow, the idea of inviting him to come along someday comes in. He is a modern man but his family is not and I know how Saudis give too much importance to their families.
Please give your own point of view as a Saudi man.
I am looking forward to your urgent response as after 2 weeks, I will be with him already.
Thanks!