I have posted about the reaction and reception of Saudis when a Saudi has a foreign spouse. To be fair I realized I had not written a posting about the reverse – the reaction of the American family to a Saudi spouse. I will share my own experience as well as what others in similar situations have shared.
To begin with I believe my spouse is probably unique in the actions he took towards assuring my family and allowing himself to be introduced. Naturally as my spouse and I began discussions on whether to have a future together I started to share with my family that I had met a man from Saudi Arabia. They asked the usual questions about his background, family, interests, values – similar to what one would ask regardless of nationality or religion. Then of course the next sets of questions were more focused such as what was his level of conservatism or liberalism; was he with or without a beard; how traditional or open was he; how tolerant would he and his extended family in Saudi Arabia be towards a western wife.
My spouse decided to take the initiative in regards to responding to the queries raised by my family. First he asked if I had any objections if he were to call and introduce himself to my family members. Once I said I had no objections I then proceeded to provide him with the phone numbers. At this time he was in one country, I was working in another country and my family was all located in the States. One by one starting with my father he began calling my family members. He introduced himself to them, assured them his intentions were honorable and he would settle for nothing less than marriage, volunteered information about himself and his family and then asked each family member to please ask him any questions they wished.
This action on the part of my spouse went a long long way to not only reassuring my family but gaining my husband’s immediate acceptance and welcome into the family. In fact, my spouse arrived in the States before me as I was still abroad with the foreign service at the time. My family members therefore first met him without me being present and they were the ones who helped him acclimatize and settle in to life in the States.
My circumstances are not the normal set of actions when an American family is learning about and ultimately meeting a Saudi spouse. The majority of Americans will meet their Saudi spouse while he is in the United States so the family gets introduced much sooner and in more traditional circumstances such as over a dinner. But the questions and concerns a family has are universal. Every family wants their loved one to be happy and at the same time there is a lot of concern and fear when the loved one chooses a spouse who is going to take that loved one away.
Now every family has a character and in my case it is my 80 something Aunt who is probably one of the most open-minded individuals whom I know. She is educated, well-read, an international traveler and has worked in a variety of capacities throughout her life. When she learned I was starting to become acquainted with a Saudi and we were discussing marriage her reaction was the most outspoken and controversial of anyone in the family. She remarked that “all Saudis are rich and want to put their women in burqas and conceal them from the family. If you love him just live with him, spend his money and come back to the family fold when you’ve had enough.” Needless to say while I love my dear Aunt I chose to smile and withhold comment from her remarks. Subsequently she and my spouse have become the best of friends and now laugh fondly together over her earlier remarks before she knew anything about my husband.
Filed under: America, culture, gender, islam, politics, relationships, religion, Saudi Arabia, Saudi culture, Saudi customs, travel, Uncategorized
[...] American <b>Family</b> Reaction to Saudi Spouse [...]
[...] American <b>Family</b> Reaction to Saudi Spouse [...]
Reaction from my family was generally good. My brother, who is a rather conservative Christian, seems to have allowed the whole thing to open his eyes a bit.
My mother loves my wife to no end.
I’m a producer on the BBC World Service Radio Programme ‘World Have Your Say’, and tonight we are hosting a debate about blogging Saudi Arabia. Might you be interested in taking part?
Please contact me AS SOON AS POSSIBLE if you receive this message today – we are on air at 1800 gmt (9pm Saudi Arabia local time)
Hope to hear from you soon
best wishes
Fuchsia Dunlop
Hi, I work for BBC World Service radio’s World Have Your Say programme in London and today (Monday) between 6pm and 7pm London time (9pm and 10pm Saudi time) we are going to be talking about whether blogging is the best hope for change around the world, especially in countries such as Saudi Arabia, Egypt, etc. The reason we are doing the story today is because President Bush is in Saudi Arabia and human rights groups have asked him to bring pressure to bear on the Saudi authorites to release the Saudi blogger Fouad Al-Farhan who was jailed for his blog which criticised the Saudi government. Mr Bush has also been asked to raise the case of the Egyptian blogger, Abdel Karim Suleiman – who was jailed for insulting President Mubarak – when he visits Egypt on Wednesday. Many thanks
Martin Vennard
BBC World Service radio.
Can you say “green card?”
Your Aunt sounds like my Grandmother, Carol!
i think western media had a great influence on my family’s reaction. Well, at least my mother and grandmother. They never really thought much of Saudi Arabia, but once then knew I was engaged to a Saudi (or, at least in a serious relationship with one), they began to regurgitate bits and pieces of the constant flow of negative images they’d seen on CNN or read about in the local newspaper.
“Men treat women differently there!” “Women can’t drive!” “You wouldn’t even be able to show your face!” “Some Saudi girls died just because the Saudi police wouldn’t let them escape from a burning building without being properly covered!”
Then, of course, there were the terrorism related fears. My grandmother told me while driving to the grocery store whether or not I really knew if my husband-to-be was not planning to “cause trouble” in the states. It took every ounce of temperance I possessed to sit there and calmly say that “He can’t even stand the name Osama.”
Some family members were more accepting, however. My father saw that I was happy, and he was well aware of the general financial situation in Saudi Arabia, which in turn made him happy that I was with a man who he knew would be able to take care of me.
It goes back and forth.
Yasmine,
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and the reactions of your family.
One could easily produce an entertaining tv show on mixed marriages between Saudis and Westerners featuring reactions and situations with families on both sides!
I married my Saudi husband over 25 years ago. We met the day he arrived in America in 1975 by chance (or by fate?). My family loved him from the first day they met him. When we moved to Saudi Arabia in 1980, there was only one channel on t.v. … only an hour of English….and very few people had phones. It was a very sleepy little town. To find a hamburger and french fries or fresh milk was a really big deal back in those days! Now, Saudi Arabia has satelite t.v. and internet, cell phones, shopping malls, ice-skating rinks, and American restaurants like Fridays, Applebees, Ruby Tuesdays, Pizza Hut, McDonalds, Starbucks, as well as stores like Calvin Klein, Victoria Secret, Ralph Lauren, BHS and many many more.
The West is ignorant of these facts because no filming was allowed at that time. So much has changed…and so quickly for a very conservative culture. I think that everyone needs to take a chill pill. Because of what happened on 9/11, Saudi Arabia doesn’t take kindly to added criticism. But they have to protect their country and the image of Islam….they see it as their duty. This is not a democracy here….people need to remember and respect that.
We need a show like ‘Little House on the Mosque’ like they have in Canada to open the door to show people the steriotypical thinking being done on both sides. I think using real issues faced by Americans living here (ones married to Saudis) would be a good way to bridge the gap.
Americans at home in the U.S. ask me what we eat for breakfast, what would I do if my husband brought home another wife, do we live in tents, do we ride camels, do we have carpeting in our houses…does my husband own an oil well, etc. Of course they ask these stupid questions because they are still in the dark about this country!
It’s sad that people really still think like that….but the media is very strong and the images portrayed are very hard to remove.
My sentiments exactly Miriam and your thoughts on what needs to be presented is in part of what I am attempting to do on Saudi 2…stay tuned!