I had heard remarks and comments about women from all over the world who decide they would like to marry a Saudi man and live in the Kingdom…whether the man had a wife already or not. They claim they do not mind if they are a second or third or fourth wife as long as they can live a peaceful Islamic life in the Kingdom.
Many of these women have been married before and have children and some may be widowed or some may be single. It does not matter if they meet the proposed husband before marriage or not saying that they trust the ones who have recommended him and that their destiny is in God’s hands anyway.
In turn there will be women already in the Kingdom or elsewhere who wish to assist and will try to find a husband for them. The “helpers” will send out emails, sms messages and make calls to their friends and acquaintances. In some cases they will ask their husbands to assist in the search for a husband. In rare cases a woman may insist that her husband should marry the woman as another wife as a way of pleasing Allah.
Sometimes it will be the man himself who will receive a call or note or sms from a woman advising him she would like to be his wife or that she has a woman in mind who would like to be married to him. This man may already be married and will be receiving these messages without his wife’s knowledge. The women sending him the messages may even know his wife but feel that the matter does not concern her or she has no right to know.
The other day I was the recipient of an SMS from an unknown caller. The message went like this: “Good muslimah seeks Saudi husband. Doesn’t matter if not first wife. SMS if you can help.” I have no inkling who sent me such a message and frankly, I don’t want to know. I feel like these views and perceptions on marriage further illustrate why a number of Saudis have such contrasting views on marriage and relationships and do not necessarily view a bonding partnership in the same terms as compared to those of us from western cultures.
Filed under: culture, gender, islam, relationships, religion, Saudi Arabia, Saudi culture, Saudi customs, Uncategorized
You have hit the nail on the head when you wrote that ‘there are such contrasting views in Saudi Arabia on marriage.’
Women used to come to the door in Jeddah years ago and ask if there was a husband available or if the ‘woman of the house’ was willing to ‘share’ theirs. Some used to follow us around in the grocery store! I’m not kidding! Sometimes, I think that these comments, phone calls, e-mails, phone contact papers…etc… come from those women/men hoping to scare us foreigners away and ‘free’ up our Saudi man for themselves and their friends….knowing that we Americans are NOT used to sharing (in general). I’m not sure anymore what it means to be ‘married’ to a Saudi today, even though I’m married to one now. lol Really. I think women just have to go on a case by case basis. Communication and knowledge of the country and culture are key to success. But, it seems that there is no guarantee with the ‘happily ever after’ scenario with any man from any country these days.
Wow….that’s incredible Miriam. My posting was oriented more to what I am aware of on the part of non-Saudi women who wish to marry a Saudi.
Sad is all I can say.
Yes, Carol – Mariam seems to have experienced what I go through!
In all fairness, Mariam, you western gals get the best ones (in terms of jobs). You get mostly college educated, guaranteed good job men. That leaves the Saudi women, who are not fortunate enough to marry into royalty or a family with money, to marry a business man or blue collar worker.
Salam,
As an FYI to your post, I have been reviewing several online Muslim Marriage sites and on average, the majority of Saudi men (especially the older men) are looking for second wives as compared to persons from other countries who are looking for one partner. I thought this was interesting and maybe somehow significant.
Hasna
Umm Adam, You’re right; in most cases that is probably the case.
Hasna, that’s interesting…since in Islam men are allowed to have up to four wives on one hand they should be given credit that they do state they are seeking a second wife rather than try to deceive someone from their true marital status. This way a woman agrees with her eyes open.
O wow, I wonder how many of these actually end up?
wow. was never aware.
very very interesting..
hmm… so there really is no love in the equation?
graphitereverence – thanks for your comment. I would not say that there is NEVER love in the equation and would encourage you to read other posts on Saudi relationships and marriage. The majority of marriages in the Kingdom continue to be arranged marriages. The segregation in the Kingdom between sexes does preclude a man and woman from getting to know one another prior to the marriage as takes place in the Western culture. Depending on the families involved, once a marriage proposal has been accepted, the man and woman -may or may not- be allowed to have contact (personal chaperoned meetings, phone contact or emails) prior to the marriage. If so, that allows them to get to know one another better. But in a lot of cases, the love that comes with knowing a person may (or may not) come until after marriage.
My husband and I married two weeks after our one and only sit down. We didn’t love each other then, but we are crazy about each other now. The love is for the sake of Allah. If we all married everybody we thought we were in love with….woe woe woe!
this arrangement is very fast becoming “extinct” in my own community. people only seek such arrangement as last resort. might be because we adopt more western ideas even though we call ourselves muslims. which, im aware, is a total different argument by itself.
but im wondering..
then what happens if u get married and things simply cant work out no matter how u put things? is it simply overlooked for the sake of Allah? what if it involves violence within the marriage? and i learnt that the reputation of a husband is the responsibility of his wife too. So, u cant report about the violence because it’ll risk tarnishing the husband’s name?
The way this is performed in the West with converts, is very different than how it is done in the Muslim world. In the West, you are pretty much ‘praying’ things will work out, after ascertaining if you think this person is good for you and that you are compatible. In the Muslim world, the tribal system is something else. They will thoroughly check you out.
Forced marriages are something all togther different, but in the case of most arranged marriage; if the person hooking you up has your best interest in mind – than they usually will only refer suitors that they feel you would work well with. Kind of like a blind date in America, arranged by a friend. In most cases the friend knows your type and thinks you should meet this person other times it’s a nightmare!
Women used to come to the door in Jeddah years ago and ask if there was a husband available or if the ‘woman of the house’ was willing to ’share’ theirs.
So the women in need of men solicit only the women of the house with these questions, never the men. Am I the only one who finds it unusual that the man has no say in this?
I rather find it strange that women are doing this in general, going door to door. I understand that a woman can act as a matchmaker, but the conditions of Shari’ah have to be fulfilled. I do not think that going directly to the man is proper and islamic, nor do I think it is proper going to his wife with such inquires unless they know one another well.
If it is a woman who is seeking a husband for herself, how can she do so without a wali? I don’t get it. At least in the muslim countries this should not be a problem.
My last comment was in response to brother Solomon2.
In regards to emails, SMS, phone calls, how do women get to have the phone numbers/email adresses of brothers whom they are not related to? I just don’t get it.
I am a woman and do not know how men think, but unless the married man made it clear and public that he is seeking a wife, I do not understand how women put themselves/others outthere in such manner. Strange.
Thanks for the all the varied comments. I think we are all learning more together here from each others knowledge, views and experiences.
Some individuals simply choose not to follow the “ordained” way towards trying to find a mate such as having a wali and the families make queries. Instead they will use the various methods as described in my original post and as others have commented.
Dalioness: In regards to emails, sms, phone calls and how are these numbers exchanged…the simple answer is that if there is a will, there’s a way. It really comes down to ones ethics, morals and values when you think about it.
Solomon2: I agree; the man should have a significant say in the matter….as well as a wife, if he is married!
Solomon2: perheaps it’s taken for granted thet the ”man of the house” would jump at it? He would have a lot of extra responsibilities though.
At the moment they are running a series on BBC where an indian matchmaker hitches english singles up. The matchmaker seemed very reasonable and realistic about it. I don’t find it a bad idea at all, if it is taken seriously and with proper care. And they don’t hàve to marry immediately, they just get introduced and are put togeather to see what happens. I believe at least one happy marriage has been achived.
Perheaps it it possible to really love a person you have never met, but I consider it a change in 100.000/1. Our king and queen Mary and William in the seventeenh century were one of the lucky couples. They were matched purely for politics. When they first met they were still very young, I believe 11 and 13 so had to wait a couple of years before they got married but it was love at first sight, and they were very happy. But they both died young.
For myself I’d go for the eighteenth century approach: Listen to your hart, but don’t commit to anything until your mind approves too.
Hence I’m still single.
Bravo Aafke — well said!
hmmmm… I wonder if my hubby got any SMS marriage proposals.. loool
lm married to an arab and l lived in saudi for 8yrs of my 13yrs marriage. l ran away with my 6kids and l will never go back once they get fed up of you and the saudi sluts show there intrest they start treating you like shit.stay with your own kind ur better off.dont even go there
that is terrible to hear bridget. Now, the arab you were married to was what nationality? and I’m curious, did he leave with you?
I am engaged to a Saudi, and I love him very much and trust him very much, we also intend to move to Buraydah in Saudi in about 3 years. But i always have in the back of my mind that if he wanted to, he COULD get another wife. While i have made it very clear to him i will not accept this, and he has told me that he will not ever think of getting another wife, that thought is still there. He tells me that he wasn’t raised like that, and finds it too much responsibility and headache to get another wife.
Should I trust him? or question him?
Before this post, I had no idea that saudi women would go around trying find husbands, and doing anything it took to get a husband.
The way i was taught is that your family would give you prospects to marry.
hi l lived in saudia for a number of years and l will say this contact ur embassy before you go to see if you have any rights there.l would of been married to my husband for 13years next week but l ran away from him 10months ago with my kids after l had my baby number 5 my hubby told me he wanted another wife even thou when we first married he promised me he would nearly want anyone else just me.
my hubby isnt saudi hes from jordon with residant in riydh after l was told by him he wanted someone else l lost alot of weight and had a tummy tuck to try to make things better with us but with in a few months l ended up pregnant and just days before l was due he told me again he was looking for someone two days later l went in to have my baby he left me at hospital alone l went thou it all by myself in the end when l went to amman for a holiday l was told that two weeks after l gave him another beautiful child he went to a wedding and was telling people there that he was open to offers .that did it for me he treated me really badly for 3 and half yrs from when l had my 5 th child he used the net to meet women and his sister use to intrude him to women he even meet women when he went to diffarent countrys for work he never slept with them but he use to tell them how un happy he was with me and that he was only with me for the kids and that he didnt love me that what really hurt me because he still slept with me and when l started to work he wouldnt pay me any money he wanted me spend all my money so l wouldnt have anything for the summer so l couldnt go to my own country but l just didnt run away l really tired for a year never speaking back to him running whenever his friends came and l asked him to treat me better or he would have a big surprise in the summer and he did l went to jordon stayed there with his family for one month then l hopped on a plane with nothing just me and my children all 6 of them and went back to england it took him 6months for him to come visit his children and tell me how much he loved me and how he missed me and begging me to go back but l know deep inside all he wanted was his kids cos he did alot of bad things to me and l had no rights as a british women even thou he wasnt saudi so please take what l went thou and ask urself if your love for this man is every worth you leaving your country and if you have children with him he can take them away from you and there nothing you or ure embassy can do to ever get ur kids out of that country l also had a friend there whos husband was saudi and she was british she had one child to him and he use to beat her and he took drugs and drank everyday in the end l gave her some advice on how to get out she went with him to anoter country and called her family to book tickets and when he came in from a nite out druged and drunk she left him while he was asleep she took his passport money and keys and fled she got away with how l told her too l havnt heard from her since l left in the summer but l know in my heart shes alot happier than she was
I think it would be great to have a saudi woman for a wife. They seem so well mannered and obedient to their husbands and good hard house-workers. Westernized women, especially in the US are a great disaapointment as far as good housewive values and they talk back to their husbands in a very caustic and unappreciative way..
that is an interesting comment, Jake. However I can assure you that perceptions and reality can sometimes be blurred!